Hello Dr. Eve. My girlfriend (let's call her Cookie) and I were meeting another couple for dinner. They were 10 minutes late. The restaurant was wine only, so we couldn't order a cocktail. Would it have been impolite to order a bottle while we waiting?-Parched in Poughkeepsie
Dear Parched,
First of all, let me commend you for directing your query to me. Not only would Miss Manners have taken months to answer (how is that polite, I ask you?), she would have completely missed the existential cry for help that is the subtext of your letter.
This accursed "thirst"; this "wine" for which you pine: What are they but a plea for meaning in a meaningless void? The contents of your letter are nothing more than the all-too-sane railings of a deeply human being (you) against a universe beshadowed by the spectre of hopeless absurdism (war, famine, Gosselins, restaurants that don't have a full bar). You and your aptly-pseudonymed "Cookie" -- like the bits of data which bestow upon you a sense of individual identity in the undifferentiated void, so does your life partner provide the illusion of selfhood -- did, as you so eloquently put it, "while we waiting," hope against hope for a flicker of truth. What you got, one can only hope, was a bottle of wine. It's the very least you can expect. And I trust your eventual dinner companions, assuming they did not exhibit a predictably Godot-like absence, agreed. If not, they are jerks.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Goodliness Is Next to Godliness
Dear Dr. Eve,
How can I be a better person?
- Anonymous
Dear Not-Good-Enough Person,
I guess it depends on how bad a person you are now. Like, if you’re a mass murderer taking a brief advice letter-writing breather from your otherwise unblemished career as a raging genocidist, it’s easy. Almost anything is better than that. However, given that you're asking, I’m assuming you’re not quite so beyond the pale. I might further deduce that you’re not a religious person, because if you were, you’d refer your question to the Gospels, or the Torah, or the Koran, or the Clarity Doctrine as Revealed by Beneficent Aliens to L. Ron Hubbard, or whatever your particular faith’s preferred scripture might be, before coming to an unqualified blogger like myself.
In other words, you’re probably just kind of a middle-of-the-road, unevil, generally-nice-but-not-necessarily-exemplary human being like the vast majority of us. In which case, ironically enough, it’s way more complicated.
Let's agree that being a good person means doing helpful stuff for others, opposing injustice or inequity, creating a more habitable and enduring world, being nice, being generous, being compassionate, being fair. In view of such agreed-upon terms, here are some tips for being a better person.
1. Duh: Volunteer. It’s best to find things that are within the scope of your interest and ability when volunteering; it makes for a more pleasant experience and ensures you’ll continue. Like, if you are dyslexic and hate books, you might not want to tutor disadvantaged kids. If you are afraid of sharing living quarters with earnest people, don’t do Habitat for Humanity. If you don’t believe in God, avoid faith-based organizations lest you run the risk of upsetting the very people you are there to help. A good place to go check out different places and see exactly how they stack up on the good-deed-o-meter is http://www.charitynavigator.org/.
2. Use Goodsearch.com. They give money to charity for every search you perform.
3. Set reasonable goals. You’ll note that Jesus didn’t start his life by dying for everyone’s sins. When becoming a better person, it’s best to start small (random acts of kindness) and slowly build up to a big bang (martyrdom).
4. Go to therapy. Dr. Eve, though not licensed to practice herself, loves therapy. Granted, the stated goal of therapy is not to make one a better person per se; however, it is meant to teach you how to overpower your inner demons and take responsibility for your own part in bad dynamics and destructive behaviors. Doing these things will definitely make you a better person. 5. Recycle. Oh, and for inpiration, watch movies about good people like Sophie Scholl: The Final Days.
How can I be a better person?
- Anonymous
Dear Not-Good-Enough Person,
I guess it depends on how bad a person you are now. Like, if you’re a mass murderer taking a brief advice letter-writing breather from your otherwise unblemished career as a raging genocidist, it’s easy. Almost anything is better than that. However, given that you're asking, I’m assuming you’re not quite so beyond the pale. I might further deduce that you’re not a religious person, because if you were, you’d refer your question to the Gospels, or the Torah, or the Koran, or the Clarity Doctrine as Revealed by Beneficent Aliens to L. Ron Hubbard, or whatever your particular faith’s preferred scripture might be, before coming to an unqualified blogger like myself.
In other words, you’re probably just kind of a middle-of-the-road, unevil, generally-nice-but-not-necessarily-exemplary human being like the vast majority of us. In which case, ironically enough, it’s way more complicated.
Let's agree that being a good person means doing helpful stuff for others, opposing injustice or inequity, creating a more habitable and enduring world, being nice, being generous, being compassionate, being fair. In view of such agreed-upon terms, here are some tips for being a better person.
1. Duh: Volunteer. It’s best to find things that are within the scope of your interest and ability when volunteering; it makes for a more pleasant experience and ensures you’ll continue. Like, if you are dyslexic and hate books, you might not want to tutor disadvantaged kids. If you are afraid of sharing living quarters with earnest people, don’t do Habitat for Humanity. If you don’t believe in God, avoid faith-based organizations lest you run the risk of upsetting the very people you are there to help. A good place to go check out different places and see exactly how they stack up on the good-deed-o-meter is http://www.charitynavigator.org/.
2. Use Goodsearch.com. They give money to charity for every search you perform.
3. Set reasonable goals. You’ll note that Jesus didn’t start his life by dying for everyone’s sins. When becoming a better person, it’s best to start small (random acts of kindness) and slowly build up to a big bang (martyrdom).
4. Go to therapy. Dr. Eve, though not licensed to practice herself, loves therapy. Granted, the stated goal of therapy is not to make one a better person per se; however, it is meant to teach you how to overpower your inner demons and take responsibility for your own part in bad dynamics and destructive behaviors. Doing these things will definitely make you a better person. 5. Recycle. Oh, and for inpiration, watch movies about good people like Sophie Scholl: The Final Days.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Summer Lovin'
Little Bunny: dr. eve can you give me some dating tips
Dr. Eve: yes
LIttle Bunny: like good conversation things and such
Little Bunny: on your blog
Dr. Eve: yes.
Little Bunny: but specifically for my age range please
Little Bunny: AND maybe tell me how to find a summer fling
Little Bunny: many thanks, Little Bunny
Dear Little Bunny,
You've come to the right place. In fact, you've come to the only place. The dating advice space is littered with would-be "experts" dispensing so-called "guidance" to wannabe "daters" about their alleged "problems" with their imaginary "boyfriends." Don't believe the hype! I'm the only game in town. Now, on to your query.
1. Good Conversation Things And Such
LB, you already have a wealth of discussion topics at your fuzzy little pawtips. No subject is too banal if you apply a patina of highbrow discourse to it. It's called putting your fancy college education to good use. Example:
Instead of: "I simply refuse to miss a single episode of The Bachelorette." (translates to: I'm shallow and unashamed to admit it)
Say: "The fact that by calling something 'reality TV' we've actually altered our sense of what constitutes reality sort of puts me in mind of Baudrillard's simulacrum, you know?" (translates to: I'm shallow and unashamed to admit it and that makes me postmodern and brilliant)
See how that works?
More importantly, though, remember that men like to be asked questions and have others show an interest in them. Ask them about themselves and answer their answers with seemingly insightful follow-up questions interwoven with compliments. For example:
You: So, what did you major in?
Him: Poli-Ec.
You: Wow, really? You must be really smart. Of all the abbreviated hybrid majors, that's the one I've always been most curious about.
Him: Yeah, it was the best. It's basically an interdisciplinary approach to understanding the interplay between political institutions and market trends.
You: Thank God someone is paying attention to that. Did you have any area of special interest?
And so on. Please note that you need have zero knowledge of the subject in question; just act impressed like you can't get enough.
2. How to Find a Summer Fling
Summer flings are excellent things, but only if you are truly mentally prepared for such a relationship. If by "summer fling" you mean "something I'll call a summer fling in order to seem like one of those breezy, nonchalant girls who can pull something like that off while secretly hoping it will blossom into a lifelong commitment and therefore slowly allow my mind and spirit to unravel as the season draws to its inexorable end," don't even bother. But, Bunny, if you are truly game, just follow this list of instructions.
1. Aim low. This is key. A flingworthy dude is not at all the same as boyfriend material. Stop expecting him to be so handsome and perfect and smart and talented and hilarious. Two of the five should suffice for your needs. Short of actual physical revulsion, you should forge gamely ahead.
2. Reconsider previous rejects. I bet that at any given moment there are at least three or four dudes you could be sleeping with but simply passed over because they weren't good enough. Well, they're good enough during the months of June, July, and August.
3. Hang around in bars. Self explanatory.
4. Don't necessarily "be yourself." Save that for the guy you're gonna marry. This is a great time to be bold and experiment with new pickup lines, new personal style, new hangouts, or simply a more outgoing demeanor. You've got nothing to lose -- remember, you're not looking for The One, so who cares if that second-rate douchenozzle at JG Mellon's doesn't think much of your new dashiki and butt-toning flip-flops?
Best of luck, Little Bunny!
Dr. Eve: yes
LIttle Bunny: like good conversation things and such
Little Bunny: on your blog
Dr. Eve: yes.
Little Bunny: but specifically for my age range please
Little Bunny: AND maybe tell me how to find a summer fling
Little Bunny: many thanks, Little Bunny
Dear Little Bunny,
You've come to the right place. In fact, you've come to the only place. The dating advice space is littered with would-be "experts" dispensing so-called "guidance" to wannabe "daters" about their alleged "problems" with their imaginary "boyfriends." Don't believe the hype! I'm the only game in town. Now, on to your query.
1. Good Conversation Things And Such
LB, you already have a wealth of discussion topics at your fuzzy little pawtips. No subject is too banal if you apply a patina of highbrow discourse to it. It's called putting your fancy college education to good use. Example:
Instead of: "I simply refuse to miss a single episode of The Bachelorette." (translates to: I'm shallow and unashamed to admit it)
Say: "The fact that by calling something 'reality TV' we've actually altered our sense of what constitutes reality sort of puts me in mind of Baudrillard's simulacrum, you know?" (translates to: I'm shallow and unashamed to admit it and that makes me postmodern and brilliant)
See how that works?
More importantly, though, remember that men like to be asked questions and have others show an interest in them. Ask them about themselves and answer their answers with seemingly insightful follow-up questions interwoven with compliments. For example:
You: So, what did you major in?
Him: Poli-Ec.
You: Wow, really? You must be really smart. Of all the abbreviated hybrid majors, that's the one I've always been most curious about.
Him: Yeah, it was the best. It's basically an interdisciplinary approach to understanding the interplay between political institutions and market trends.
You: Thank God someone is paying attention to that. Did you have any area of special interest?
And so on. Please note that you need have zero knowledge of the subject in question; just act impressed like you can't get enough.
2. How to Find a Summer Fling
Summer flings are excellent things, but only if you are truly mentally prepared for such a relationship. If by "summer fling" you mean "something I'll call a summer fling in order to seem like one of those breezy, nonchalant girls who can pull something like that off while secretly hoping it will blossom into a lifelong commitment and therefore slowly allow my mind and spirit to unravel as the season draws to its inexorable end," don't even bother. But, Bunny, if you are truly game, just follow this list of instructions.
1. Aim low. This is key. A flingworthy dude is not at all the same as boyfriend material. Stop expecting him to be so handsome and perfect and smart and talented and hilarious. Two of the five should suffice for your needs. Short of actual physical revulsion, you should forge gamely ahead.
2. Reconsider previous rejects. I bet that at any given moment there are at least three or four dudes you could be sleeping with but simply passed over because they weren't good enough. Well, they're good enough during the months of June, July, and August.
3. Hang around in bars. Self explanatory.
4. Don't necessarily "be yourself." Save that for the guy you're gonna marry. This is a great time to be bold and experiment with new pickup lines, new personal style, new hangouts, or simply a more outgoing demeanor. You've got nothing to lose -- remember, you're not looking for The One, so who cares if that second-rate douchenozzle at JG Mellon's doesn't think much of your new dashiki and butt-toning flip-flops?
Best of luck, Little Bunny!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
If I'd Known You Were Coming I Wouldn't've Baked a Pie
Dear Dr. Eve,
My husband and I love eating, drinking, and our friends, and so our most favorite pastime is eating and drinking with our friends. We often invite a bunch of pals over for dinner on the weekends, and that is just what we did this past Saturday evening. If guests ever ask, “What can we bring?” I always reply that all we want is their company and to not worry about bringing anything, and if they insist, I’ll say, bring a fun (i.e. cheap) bottle of wine. Another piece of background that is crucial to my query: we’ve found that if we’re entertaining more than two people, it’s always worth it to have help, and so our awesome cleaning lady comes for a few hours to make things run smoothly and keep things tidy.
This feast was a good, old-fashioned barbecue, and as I found fresh-picked, local strawberries and rhubarb at the farmers’ market that morning, I made a pie, complete with lattice-crust top. One guest, the girlfriend of one of my husband’s dearest friends, brought a beautiful cake from a bakery near her house. This woman is a living doll, and although we don’t know her all that well, we really love her and it seems she loves us. When presented with the cake, I opened the box and admired it and told her how amazing it looked and thanked her profusely, expressing genuine gratitude for her thoughtfulness.
By the time dessert rolled around, everyone was pretty full, as well as tipsy. I served only my pie, with fresh whipped cream, because serving the cake too seemed like overkill. Yes, you could also infer that I wanted the pie I’d slaved over all day to have the spotlight, but technically I was safe because manners dictate you should not expect your host to serve any wine or food you bring as a gift, especially if you haven’t asked if it fits into their plans. I even said, “Nancy*, I hope you don’t mind I didn’t serve your cake as well, it just seemed like too much,” and she seemed to express that she was not hurt. Everything would have been fine, I think, until my husband told the cleaning lady she could head home, and out she walked with the cake. As she said goodbye, she delightedly showed off said cake, declaring how happy she was my husband said she could take it home. Nancy seemed to grimace visibly and I felt awful and embarrassed. But, my husband’s thinking was, the best and most thoughtful fate for the cake was in the hands of someone who would really appreciate and savor it, and the cleaning lady fit that bill. I think he’s ultimately right, but I think it seemed to Nancy like we carelessly tossed her expensive and kind gift to the help.
What say you, Dr. Eve?
Yours,
Given a Cake Smile by the Departing Guest
Dear Given a Cake Smile by the Departing Guest,
First of all, your letter is a treasure. Dazzling detail, wry humor, edge-of-your-seat suspense, and a plot that hinges on multiple desserts and a gleeful cleaning lady? A new epistolary standard has been set, readers.
But let’s get to your dilemma, which, like the dessert in question, is multilayered. Your conduct was above reproach, GCSDG. You observed all known laws of etiquette w/r/t the cake. But at its heart, this is a query about regifting, an issue which has divided the advice community for millennia. I happen to believe in discreet regifting: your husband’s error was not that he regifted, but that he regifted in the presence of the original gifter. If the cleaning lady had whisked away the confection unnoticed, the whole thing would’ve gone off without a hitch. A tricky undertaking, yes, but far from impossible: If we have the technology to hide a stripper inside a cake, surely we can figure out how to secrete a cake in a cleaning lady’s satchel.
My husband and I love eating, drinking, and our friends, and so our most favorite pastime is eating and drinking with our friends. We often invite a bunch of pals over for dinner on the weekends, and that is just what we did this past Saturday evening. If guests ever ask, “What can we bring?” I always reply that all we want is their company and to not worry about bringing anything, and if they insist, I’ll say, bring a fun (i.e. cheap) bottle of wine. Another piece of background that is crucial to my query: we’ve found that if we’re entertaining more than two people, it’s always worth it to have help, and so our awesome cleaning lady comes for a few hours to make things run smoothly and keep things tidy.
This feast was a good, old-fashioned barbecue, and as I found fresh-picked, local strawberries and rhubarb at the farmers’ market that morning, I made a pie, complete with lattice-crust top. One guest, the girlfriend of one of my husband’s dearest friends, brought a beautiful cake from a bakery near her house. This woman is a living doll, and although we don’t know her all that well, we really love her and it seems she loves us. When presented with the cake, I opened the box and admired it and told her how amazing it looked and thanked her profusely, expressing genuine gratitude for her thoughtfulness.
By the time dessert rolled around, everyone was pretty full, as well as tipsy. I served only my pie, with fresh whipped cream, because serving the cake too seemed like overkill. Yes, you could also infer that I wanted the pie I’d slaved over all day to have the spotlight, but technically I was safe because manners dictate you should not expect your host to serve any wine or food you bring as a gift, especially if you haven’t asked if it fits into their plans. I even said, “Nancy*, I hope you don’t mind I didn’t serve your cake as well, it just seemed like too much,” and she seemed to express that she was not hurt. Everything would have been fine, I think, until my husband told the cleaning lady she could head home, and out she walked with the cake. As she said goodbye, she delightedly showed off said cake, declaring how happy she was my husband said she could take it home. Nancy seemed to grimace visibly and I felt awful and embarrassed. But, my husband’s thinking was, the best and most thoughtful fate for the cake was in the hands of someone who would really appreciate and savor it, and the cleaning lady fit that bill. I think he’s ultimately right, but I think it seemed to Nancy like we carelessly tossed her expensive and kind gift to the help.
What say you, Dr. Eve?
Yours,
Given a Cake Smile by the Departing Guest
Dear Given a Cake Smile by the Departing Guest,
First of all, your letter is a treasure. Dazzling detail, wry humor, edge-of-your-seat suspense, and a plot that hinges on multiple desserts and a gleeful cleaning lady? A new epistolary standard has been set, readers.
But let’s get to your dilemma, which, like the dessert in question, is multilayered. Your conduct was above reproach, GCSDG. You observed all known laws of etiquette w/r/t the cake. But at its heart, this is a query about regifting, an issue which has divided the advice community for millennia. I happen to believe in discreet regifting: your husband’s error was not that he regifted, but that he regifted in the presence of the original gifter. If the cleaning lady had whisked away the confection unnoticed, the whole thing would’ve gone off without a hitch. A tricky undertaking, yes, but far from impossible: If we have the technology to hide a stripper inside a cake, surely we can figure out how to secrete a cake in a cleaning lady’s satchel.
Monday, June 8, 2009
New Is The New New
Hello Dr. Eve,
A year and a half ago I relocated to a new city that I'll call "Albuquerque" to maintain my anonymity. I thought I had remained friends with the girls in my old city. But just today I discovered that once of them launched a blog, over a MONTH AGO, without telling me. I don't want to get into too much back story, but suffice it to say, I love blogs. Why do you think my friend didn't inform me of her blog earlier? Should I confront her? -New in New Mexico
Dear New,
Confrontation is never the answer. Didn't anyone ever teach you to push your feelings deep down inside, hide them away from the world, and suffer the consequences (ulcers, cancer, sleep-eating, raising fucked-up kids) on your own time?
Seriously, though, I wouldn't take it personally if I were you. Unacquainted as I am with the particulars of this situation, I can't say for sure, but my suspicion is that this blogging friend of yours was too shy too make too big a deal of her new venture. She started it on a whim one day after lamenting the lack of creative outlet in her day-to-day life. She knows you to be a particularly clever writer and editor, and so was all the more nervous to show it to you.
I mean, probably. This is all just conjecture.
A year and a half ago I relocated to a new city that I'll call "Albuquerque" to maintain my anonymity. I thought I had remained friends with the girls in my old city. But just today I discovered that once of them launched a blog, over a MONTH AGO, without telling me. I don't want to get into too much back story, but suffice it to say, I love blogs. Why do you think my friend didn't inform me of her blog earlier? Should I confront her? -New in New Mexico
Dear New,
Confrontation is never the answer. Didn't anyone ever teach you to push your feelings deep down inside, hide them away from the world, and suffer the consequences (ulcers, cancer, sleep-eating, raising fucked-up kids) on your own time?
Seriously, though, I wouldn't take it personally if I were you. Unacquainted as I am with the particulars of this situation, I can't say for sure, but my suspicion is that this blogging friend of yours was too shy too make too big a deal of her new venture. She started it on a whim one day after lamenting the lack of creative outlet in her day-to-day life. She knows you to be a particularly clever writer and editor, and so was all the more nervous to show it to you.
I mean, probably. This is all just conjecture.
Stolen Saturdays: He's Just Not That Into Being Stalked By a Crazy Person
Welcome back to Stolen Saturdays, the feature where I scour other advice columns – the kind people actually write in to – and answer those questions better and more wisely than the "writers" of said columns. Like the hermit crab who makes a home in the shells built by others, or the cuckoo bird who lays her eggs in the nests of her neighbors, I’m relying on a certain symbiosis in the advice community. Is this ethical? Why don’t you ask the Ethicist and then I’ll answer it better than him.
Dear Miss Manners:
Two months ago, I started a beautiful relationship with a 59-year-old guy. I am 44. We broke up with our current relationships based on the strong feelings we felt for each other.
After a month of feeling bad for his ex, my new man says he feels we should take a break, but after a few days, he wanted to see me. He hugs me for dear life when he does see me, but when we speak on the phone, he goes back to "let's take a break." I do not understand what's going on. He is talking with the ex, and I do believe him when he says there is no intimacy, they're establishing a better friendship. He was feeling a lot of guilt from their breakup.
The other day (Monday), he was to return my call, and I waited all night. Keep in mind he just lost a friend on Friday or Saturday. I decided to call and let the phone ring over and over. I left two bad messages, but I let it ring over and over.
Well, he finally called back to say this was the last time he'll talk to me. (He had said that to the ex when she visited me at the job, but now they're talking.) He told me I should've checked my e-mail. I was unaware that hours before, he sent me this message: "Please let it be for now. I ask for solitude at this time. I am okay, but I ask that you not call me. I need to be alone. Thanks."
I felt so bad. I would not have called like that. How do I make up? I sent a reply that I had wanted him to see this important DVD that will help us both. He did not respond. I want to go by his home -- should I? Help.
Dear Saddest Person in the World,
My first piece of advice is this: Don’t ever tell this story to anyone else again, ever. It paints a picture of someone whose sanity, having hung by a ganglial thread for decades, has finally succumbed to the weight of self-annihilating behavior and begun its precipitous freefall into the gaping abyss of hopeless lunacy. And nobody wants that.
I don’t know which frightens me more--the parts of your letter I understood (“I decided to call and let the phone ring over and over”; “I want to go by his home”) or those shrouded in ominous enigma (“I left two bad messages”). For me, it really goes off the rails with the introduction of the mysterious “important DVD.” The mere thought of it inspires a mixture of curiosity and dread. Also, let’s not ignore that you thought the best person to address your problem was not a licensed psychiatrist, but Miss Manners. Newsflash, SPW: Manners are the least of your problems. Obsessive calling is not a lapse in etiquette; it’s a restraining order waiting to happen.
The bad news is, this fossil never wants to see you again. The good news is, he's clearly a tool and way too old to be acting like this, so it's probably for the best. And before you start another relationship, you should probably read a book on obsessive love and/or find a therapist. Therapists are awesome, SPW. They’re like advice bloggers, but with drugs and fully-loaded Volvos.
Dear Miss Manners:
Two months ago, I started a beautiful relationship with a 59-year-old guy. I am 44. We broke up with our current relationships based on the strong feelings we felt for each other.
After a month of feeling bad for his ex, my new man says he feels we should take a break, but after a few days, he wanted to see me. He hugs me for dear life when he does see me, but when we speak on the phone, he goes back to "let's take a break." I do not understand what's going on. He is talking with the ex, and I do believe him when he says there is no intimacy, they're establishing a better friendship. He was feeling a lot of guilt from their breakup.
The other day (Monday), he was to return my call, and I waited all night. Keep in mind he just lost a friend on Friday or Saturday. I decided to call and let the phone ring over and over. I left two bad messages, but I let it ring over and over.
Well, he finally called back to say this was the last time he'll talk to me. (He had said that to the ex when she visited me at the job, but now they're talking.) He told me I should've checked my e-mail. I was unaware that hours before, he sent me this message: "Please let it be for now. I ask for solitude at this time. I am okay, but I ask that you not call me. I need to be alone. Thanks."
I felt so bad. I would not have called like that. How do I make up? I sent a reply that I had wanted him to see this important DVD that will help us both. He did not respond. I want to go by his home -- should I? Help.
Dear Saddest Person in the World,
My first piece of advice is this: Don’t ever tell this story to anyone else again, ever. It paints a picture of someone whose sanity, having hung by a ganglial thread for decades, has finally succumbed to the weight of self-annihilating behavior and begun its precipitous freefall into the gaping abyss of hopeless lunacy. And nobody wants that.
I don’t know which frightens me more--the parts of your letter I understood (“I decided to call and let the phone ring over and over”; “I want to go by his home”) or those shrouded in ominous enigma (“I left two bad messages”). For me, it really goes off the rails with the introduction of the mysterious “important DVD.” The mere thought of it inspires a mixture of curiosity and dread. Also, let’s not ignore that you thought the best person to address your problem was not a licensed psychiatrist, but Miss Manners. Newsflash, SPW: Manners are the least of your problems. Obsessive calling is not a lapse in etiquette; it’s a restraining order waiting to happen.
The bad news is, this fossil never wants to see you again. The good news is, he's clearly a tool and way too old to be acting like this, so it's probably for the best. And before you start another relationship, you should probably read a book on obsessive love and/or find a therapist. Therapists are awesome, SPW. They’re like advice bloggers, but with drugs and fully-loaded Volvos.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Facebook Fridays: Everyone's a Winner
Dear Sir/Madam,
We are pleased to inform you that your e-mail address has won the Siemens Draw Promo.Therefore you have been approve for a lump sum payout (750,000.00 GBP)Seven Hundrend And fiffty Pounds. Please fill the form below for claims.
PAYMENT PROCESSING FORM
1.Full Name:
2.Full Address:
3.Status:
4.Occupation:
5.Phone Number:
6.Country:
Yours faithfully, Mrs. Atso Kerttula.
Dear Mrs. Atso Kerttula,
While at first I didn't read your letter as a counsel-seeking one, I now recognize it to be what we in the advice community call a "cry for help." You are lonely, Atso -- may I call you Atso? -- and have resorted to randomly emailing bloggers in the hopes of getting their addresses and phone numbers with which to round out your Outlook contact list.
It's not surprising. I'm sure Mr. Kerttula works long hours. Your colleagues at Siemens Draw are cliquish and unfriendly. Having the name "Atso" can't help, especially if you're on the zaftig side. And while trolling the Internet for new friends is all the rage, your particular approach isn't likely to pay off -- too arbitrary. I highly recommend Facebook, which is full of people looking for new friends and contacts -- they even say so in their profiles! (You'll notice mine does not.)
Best of luck!
We are pleased to inform you that your e-mail address has won the Siemens Draw Promo.Therefore you have been approve for a lump sum payout (750,000.00 GBP)Seven Hundrend And fiffty Pounds. Please fill the form below for claims.
PAYMENT PROCESSING FORM
1.Full Name:
2.Full Address:
3.Status:
4.Occupation:
5.Phone Number:
6.Country:
Yours faithfully, Mrs. Atso Kerttula.
Dear Mrs. Atso Kerttula,
While at first I didn't read your letter as a counsel-seeking one, I now recognize it to be what we in the advice community call a "cry for help." You are lonely, Atso -- may I call you Atso? -- and have resorted to randomly emailing bloggers in the hopes of getting their addresses and phone numbers with which to round out your Outlook contact list.
It's not surprising. I'm sure Mr. Kerttula works long hours. Your colleagues at Siemens Draw are cliquish and unfriendly. Having the name "Atso" can't help, especially if you're on the zaftig side. And while trolling the Internet for new friends is all the rage, your particular approach isn't likely to pay off -- too arbitrary. I highly recommend Facebook, which is full of people looking for new friends and contacts -- they even say so in their profiles! (You'll notice mine does not.)
Best of luck!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
If Loving You Is Wrong, I Don't Want to be White
Dear Dr. Eve, I am a white mother of a very cute blonde four year old girl who attends a quasi-public pre-school in a small city on the East Coast. Said city's school system is a bit less diverse than the neighborhood in Brooklyn where I grew up. I am very conscious of this and tend to pounce on the non white parents at birthday parties, and before you know it I've said things like "hip hop", "diverse," "Ralph Ellison," and "Henry Louis Gates, Jr." within the first forty five seconds of the pizza portion of the party. Needless to say, I am in a deep state of embarrassment and remorse by the time I flee the scene in my Subaru with the Obama sticker on the back. Help me to find a new way to say: "We may look like the bad guys in Sound of Music, but we're totally cool and basically black ourselves."
Dear Reader,
There were bad guys in The Sound of Music?!
Here is where my area of expertise runs aground, I'm afraid. If I were to hazard a guess based on anecdotal evidence such as reactions to the work of Vanilla Ice and the like, though, I'd say that some black people might not actually like white people who think they are black. Then again, talking about Henry Louis Gates, Jr. and hip hop probably isn't going to give anyone that impression.
For a more extensive and informed answer, I refer you to a book called Making Friends With Black People by my good friend Nick Adams. I can say he is my good friend because that's what he became -- once I read his book. Nick is a brilliant stand-up comedian, writer, and actor whose excellent book addresses your concerns and many others in an insightful and entertaining manner. Is it any wonder we like each other?
While you're at it, check out his blog, NickAdamsWeb, and his wife Tasha's blog, BlackburnandSweetzer.
Dear Reader,
There were bad guys in The Sound of Music?!
Here is where my area of expertise runs aground, I'm afraid. If I were to hazard a guess based on anecdotal evidence such as reactions to the work of Vanilla Ice and the like, though, I'd say that some black people might not actually like white people who think they are black. Then again, talking about Henry Louis Gates, Jr. and hip hop probably isn't going to give anyone that impression.
For a more extensive and informed answer, I refer you to a book called Making Friends With Black People by my good friend Nick Adams. I can say he is my good friend because that's what he became -- once I read his book. Nick is a brilliant stand-up comedian, writer, and actor whose excellent book addresses your concerns and many others in an insightful and entertaining manner. Is it any wonder we like each other?
While you're at it, check out his blog, NickAdamsWeb, and his wife Tasha's blog, BlackburnandSweetzer.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Unsolicited Tuesdays!
Where does the time go? It seems like just last week we were birthing a nascent dream called Unsolicited Tuesdays, and now it’s a critically acclaimed, world-renowned institution. The wheel in the sky sure does keep on turning.
Unsolicited Tuesday Item #1: If you’re looking for a way to kill time between your three-cocktail Memorial Day Brunch and your four-beer Memorial Day Barbecue and you prefer not to suffocate in a miasma of your own self-loathing, do not tune into the “Intervention” marathon on USA. Common sense, my friends.
Unsolicited Tuesday Item #2: Definitely tune in tomorrow for the debut of our new guest expert:
Nurse Hobson!
Unsolicited Tuesday Item #1: If you’re looking for a way to kill time between your three-cocktail Memorial Day Brunch and your four-beer Memorial Day Barbecue and you prefer not to suffocate in a miasma of your own self-loathing, do not tune into the “Intervention” marathon on USA. Common sense, my friends.
Unsolicited Tuesday Item #2: Definitely tune in tomorrow for the debut of our new guest expert:
Nurse Hobson!Facebook Fridays!
I know it's not Friday. But I'm announcing this feature now so as to give you guys time to submit questions for my newest feature, where I'll be answering queries about Facebook and other social networking etiquette. I'll kick it off below with the question that inspired this new launch. (I know what you're thinking: What qualifies you, Dr. Eve, who barely uses these sites, to give advice on this topic? To which I say: You might just as easily ask that about this whole blog. Though I'd prefer you didn't.)
Dear Dr. Eve,
I am looking for some advice on how to "send someone a message" (without sending an actual message) on Facebook that 1) I don't care what they think of me and 2) I am blameless for the slow and painful collapse of our friendship over the last 10 years and 3) I am their moral superior in that while I do NOT accept that it is strictly required to answer a letter, phone call, or email for at least 5-10 years upon receipt, it IS a slap in the face to "friend" someone whom you met through a FRIEND who, you have not yet "friended." I hope you understand. Help.
Dear Reader,
If I had a nickel for every time I’d been asked this question, I would have a nickel. But that's only because you're one of seven people reading this. It's called viral marketing, people. Anyway, the point is, Facebook has introduced a whole new subset of social mores of which we've only begun to scratch the surface. While social networking has not essentially altered the nature of friendship, it’s definitely made certain disappointing truths about our acquaintances harder to ignore. (See also: "Jenna Kaplan is sitting shiva for Lipstick Jungle – Asian Pear-tini, anyone?")
Fortunately the rise of internet community also affords many opportunities to make others feel bad about themselves. Appearing to live well on Facebook is the best revenge. Post flattering photos of yourself with your extremely handsome husband and prosperous mutual friends of the ex-friend for this person to stumble across. Even better, have the mutual friends do it. Have a mutual friend post an update about how awesome and beautiful you are, or congratulating you for a recent accomplishment. By all means use Twitter if you can figure out how.
Also, though, and I know this is tough, try to stop caring for real. Whatever the immediate cause of the friendship’s demise, and not denying the fact that the whole thing’s shitty, it was probably the best thing that ever happened to you. We are (understandably) so focused on the pain caused by rejection that we rarely stop to consider how much more painful the alternative would’ve been. Sure, my mom abandoned me when I was six. But it meant I got to be raised by decent folks who weren’t constantly distracted from their parenting duties by an alcohol-fueled thanatos. In other words, if you actually still WERE friends with this person, you’d probably spend all your time wishing you could get out of it. The only thing worse than breaking up with a friend who turned out to suck is having to stay friends with them. Plus, I think I might know who you're talking about and you're way cooler.
Dear Dr. Eve,
I am looking for some advice on how to "send someone a message" (without sending an actual message) on Facebook that 1) I don't care what they think of me and 2) I am blameless for the slow and painful collapse of our friendship over the last 10 years and 3) I am their moral superior in that while I do NOT accept that it is strictly required to answer a letter, phone call, or email for at least 5-10 years upon receipt, it IS a slap in the face to "friend" someone whom you met through a FRIEND who, you have not yet "friended." I hope you understand. Help.
Dear Reader,
If I had a nickel for every time I’d been asked this question, I would have a nickel. But that's only because you're one of seven people reading this. It's called viral marketing, people. Anyway, the point is, Facebook has introduced a whole new subset of social mores of which we've only begun to scratch the surface. While social networking has not essentially altered the nature of friendship, it’s definitely made certain disappointing truths about our acquaintances harder to ignore. (See also: "Jenna Kaplan is sitting shiva for Lipstick Jungle – Asian Pear-tini, anyone?")
Fortunately the rise of internet community also affords many opportunities to make others feel bad about themselves. Appearing to live well on Facebook is the best revenge. Post flattering photos of yourself with your extremely handsome husband and prosperous mutual friends of the ex-friend for this person to stumble across. Even better, have the mutual friends do it. Have a mutual friend post an update about how awesome and beautiful you are, or congratulating you for a recent accomplishment. By all means use Twitter if you can figure out how.
Also, though, and I know this is tough, try to stop caring for real. Whatever the immediate cause of the friendship’s demise, and not denying the fact that the whole thing’s shitty, it was probably the best thing that ever happened to you. We are (understandably) so focused on the pain caused by rejection that we rarely stop to consider how much more painful the alternative would’ve been. Sure, my mom abandoned me when I was six. But it meant I got to be raised by decent folks who weren’t constantly distracted from their parenting duties by an alcohol-fueled thanatos. In other words, if you actually still WERE friends with this person, you’d probably spend all your time wishing you could get out of it. The only thing worse than breaking up with a friend who turned out to suck is having to stay friends with them. Plus, I think I might know who you're talking about and you're way cooler.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Stolen Saturdays!
For reasons I’d rather not go into, I’m debuting another new feature today: Stolen Saturdays. That’s where I scour other advice columns – the kind people actually write in to – and answer those questions better and more wisely than the "writers" of said columns. Like the hermit crab who makes a home in the shells built by others, or the cuckoo bird who lays her eggs in the nests of her neighbors, I’m relying on a certain symbiosis in the advice community. Is this ethical? Why don’t you ask the Ethicist and then I’ll answer it better than him.
DEAR ABBY: My father is 83. My mother has been dead for more than 30 years. Since then, Dad has been involved with many women. But since he turned 70, he has become involved with men, which he says he finds very rewarding and much less complicated.Dad and I always had an open and honest relationship. We have a lot of homosexual family members and friends. At the same time, I'm shocked that the fact he is gay has been so difficult for me to accept. Have you any suggestions on how I might better deal with this? -- CARING SON IN MIAMI
Dear Caring Son in Miami,
Any newsflash of that magnitude from a person you thought you knew can be jarring. I mean, it’s got to be tough to imagine your shriveled octogenarian father doing it with anyone, ladykind or otherwise. But keep in mind that humans, while constitutionally averse to change, are nevertheless remarkably adaptable creatures. Think about how society nearly crumbled when we learned that Pluto might not actually be a planet; now, we carry on relatively normal lives in that knowledge. Who could forget, Caring Son, how violently you reacted to the news that Ashton and Demi were an item? Now, you think they’re the dullest couple in Hollywood after Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron. Time normalizes all things.
The problem here, of course, is that time is the one thing you don’t have much of; your dad could clock out the next time he’s in flagrante with the pool boy. So get your priorities straight, get over it, and invite your penis-loving dad over for your famous Mexican lasagna – and your wholehearted blessing.
Dear Randy,
I am a smart veterinary student, and my husband is an uncommonly intelligent engineer. We have degrees from prestigious universities. However, diabetes and heart disease run in my family, and my husband has Crohn's disease and a congenital heart problem. If we had three kids, we would contribute to overpopulation, but perhaps (even despite the medical issues) marginally increase the quality of that population (aren't I pretentious!). May we ethically have more than two children? Alison Cornwall, Davis, Calif.
Dear Alison,
Congenital predispositions toward one disease or another are common in just about every blood line, and hardly a reason to forgo one’s God-given fruitfulness. The larger and more serious issue you face is the possibility that you will bequeath your terrible personality and obnoxious delusions of superiority to the next generation. Not to mention your hideous appearance. (If you were at all attractive, you no doubt would have mentioned that in your letter.) If you do have three children, consider giving them up for adoption so they can be raised by nice people.
DEAR ABBY: My father is 83. My mother has been dead for more than 30 years. Since then, Dad has been involved with many women. But since he turned 70, he has become involved with men, which he says he finds very rewarding and much less complicated.Dad and I always had an open and honest relationship. We have a lot of homosexual family members and friends. At the same time, I'm shocked that the fact he is gay has been so difficult for me to accept. Have you any suggestions on how I might better deal with this? -- CARING SON IN MIAMI
Dear Caring Son in Miami,
Any newsflash of that magnitude from a person you thought you knew can be jarring. I mean, it’s got to be tough to imagine your shriveled octogenarian father doing it with anyone, ladykind or otherwise. But keep in mind that humans, while constitutionally averse to change, are nevertheless remarkably adaptable creatures. Think about how society nearly crumbled when we learned that Pluto might not actually be a planet; now, we carry on relatively normal lives in that knowledge. Who could forget, Caring Son, how violently you reacted to the news that Ashton and Demi were an item? Now, you think they’re the dullest couple in Hollywood after Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron. Time normalizes all things.
The problem here, of course, is that time is the one thing you don’t have much of; your dad could clock out the next time he’s in flagrante with the pool boy. So get your priorities straight, get over it, and invite your penis-loving dad over for your famous Mexican lasagna – and your wholehearted blessing.
Dear Randy,
I am a smart veterinary student, and my husband is an uncommonly intelligent engineer. We have degrees from prestigious universities. However, diabetes and heart disease run in my family, and my husband has Crohn's disease and a congenital heart problem. If we had three kids, we would contribute to overpopulation, but perhaps (even despite the medical issues) marginally increase the quality of that population (aren't I pretentious!). May we ethically have more than two children? Alison Cornwall, Davis, Calif.
Dear Alison,
Congenital predispositions toward one disease or another are common in just about every blood line, and hardly a reason to forgo one’s God-given fruitfulness. The larger and more serious issue you face is the possibility that you will bequeath your terrible personality and obnoxious delusions of superiority to the next generation. Not to mention your hideous appearance. (If you were at all attractive, you no doubt would have mentioned that in your letter.) If you do have three children, consider giving them up for adoption so they can be raised by nice people.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Unsolicited Tuesdays!
Sorry for the radio silence, readers. Like many things in life that are a source of chronic disappointment and thwarted promise, an advice blog is a two-way street. When the questions stop coming, so do the answers. But I, never one to let reality stand in the way of progress, have devised a way around the total lack of recent interest around here: Unsolicited Tuesdays. It's a forum in which I will simply dole out advice where I see a need -- regardless of whether it's wanted. That way, even if you can't think of a good question, you can keep benefiting from my wisdom. All five of you. Without further bullshitting, here are some tidbits to treasure...
Unsolicited Advice Item #1: If you are a fan of great acting, riveting yet heartbreaking origin tales, universal themes, Simon Pegg, Leonard Nimoy, new stuff, old stuff, the future, JJ Abrams, uniforms, aliens, humans, drama, comedy, romance, bromance, split infinitives, space, Earth, Eric Bana, and/or time travel, definitely see Star Trek.
Unsolicited Advice Item #2: Are you an emotional blackmailer? Or the victim of one? Do you even know what that is? Do you care? If you answered "yes" or "no" to any of these questions, you should read "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward. It's got lots of crazy stories about jerky people who manipulate other people using fear and guilt. It's good to read if you ever find yourself on either side of this type of dynamic which, if you ever HAVE been, you know totally bites le big one.
Unsolicited Advice Item #3: Sometimes my friends ask me, "Jeez, Dr. Eve, how do you cover up all those gnarly acne scars and current acne outbreaks and age spots and hyperpigmentations and dark circles?" My answer is: Drugstore cosmetics are great! You should use them. They're so much cheaper and easier to get. Here are some ones that I like.
1. Revlon Colorstay Foundation. Really. Just like the name says, the color really stays! To apply it, I use the Duane Reade brand of cosmetic sponges.
2. L'Oreal HIP Jelly Balm. Moisturizing, saturated color. I like the shade called "Luscious."
3. Cover Girl Outlast Lipstain. Like a marker. For your mouth.
Unsolicited Advice Item #4: If your name is Vincent D'onofrio and you play Detective Robert Goren on Law and Order: CI, you should lose a few lbs. Don't get me wrong, Vince. I still think you're smokin' hot to the maximum. If I could lure you into bed I'd flip you over and service you six ways to Sunday. If I could lift you. Which I cant. Which is kind of the point. But it's more a matter of concern for your health. You're not as young as you were, and if you plan to keep entertaining us for many years to come (the original L&O just got renewed for its 20th season!), you'll want to be in tip-top shape. Also, consider the bizarre impression your increasing mass makes in relation to your colleagues. Line you up next to the liliputian Detective Eames and new manorexic castmember Jeff Goldblum, and you've pretty much got a total circus freakshow. It's a distraction from the real issues, Vince.
Unsolicited Advice Item #1: If you are a fan of great acting, riveting yet heartbreaking origin tales, universal themes, Simon Pegg, Leonard Nimoy, new stuff, old stuff, the future, JJ Abrams, uniforms, aliens, humans, drama, comedy, romance, bromance, split infinitives, space, Earth, Eric Bana, and/or time travel, definitely see Star Trek.
Unsolicited Advice Item #2: Are you an emotional blackmailer? Or the victim of one? Do you even know what that is? Do you care? If you answered "yes" or "no" to any of these questions, you should read "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward. It's got lots of crazy stories about jerky people who manipulate other people using fear and guilt. It's good to read if you ever find yourself on either side of this type of dynamic which, if you ever HAVE been, you know totally bites le big one.
Unsolicited Advice Item #3: Sometimes my friends ask me, "Jeez, Dr. Eve, how do you cover up all those gnarly acne scars and current acne outbreaks and age spots and hyperpigmentations and dark circles?" My answer is: Drugstore cosmetics are great! You should use them. They're so much cheaper and easier to get. Here are some ones that I like.1. Revlon Colorstay Foundation. Really. Just like the name says, the color really stays! To apply it, I use the Duane Reade brand of cosmetic sponges.
2. L'Oreal HIP Jelly Balm. Moisturizing, saturated color. I like the shade called "Luscious."
3. Cover Girl Outlast Lipstain. Like a marker. For your mouth.
Unsolicited Advice Item #4: If your name is Vincent D'onofrio and you play Detective Robert Goren on Law and Order: CI, you should lose a few lbs. Don't get me wrong, Vince. I still think you're smokin' hot to the maximum. If I could lure you into bed I'd flip you over and service you six ways to Sunday. If I could lift you. Which I cant. Which is kind of the point. But it's more a matter of concern for your health. You're not as young as you were, and if you plan to keep entertaining us for many years to come (the original L&O just got renewed for its 20th season!), you'll want to be in tip-top shape. Also, consider the bizarre impression your increasing mass makes in relation to your colleagues. Line you up next to the liliputian Detective Eames and new manorexic castmember Jeff Goldblum, and you've pretty much got a total circus freakshow. It's a distraction from the real issues, Vince.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Dear Dr. Eve,
How do you get over a broken heart?
Dear Patient,
My first morsel of wisdom may well be the most important you ever receive: Do not, I repeat do not, take Dr. Phil's advice on this matter. Now, I know what you're all thinking. "Why should we believe you when everyone knows you and Dr. Phil have been locked in a highly publicized rivalry for the hearts and minds of the American public for the better part of a decade? He may be your avowed nemesis, but that doesn't mean he's wrong about everything. And why are you guys sworn enemies anyway? Is the world really not big enough for two Great Thinkers in the field of popular psychology? You are, after all, Dr. Eve, the more attractive of the two. Can't you be satisfied with your many triumphs and leave him to his, lesser as they are?" To which I say: Don't ask about things you don't understand.
But anyway, Patient, listen closely. They say time heals all wounds. Try telling that to Mark Hamill. No, you must not rely on time to do all the work. You must strive; you must be disciplined. You must labor, or suffer a fate not unlike that of Shakespeare's beloved Falstaff, who in fact died of a broken heart and was remembered only for his flatulence.
Do not contact the breaker of your heart. Do not speak to him, or e-mail him, or IM him, or text him. Do not bother dating other people at this time. They will all seem dull and ugly compared to the Breaker, and will only drive your thoughts back to him and elevate him in your diseased memory. DO remind yourself what a douche nozzle he is, how undeserving he was of your love, and how bad his breath was that one time after he ate a large quantity of moules marinieres. Do keep busy, but with meaningful activities. Do ask the advice of people like me. Do not ask the advice of people who are not me.
I hope this helps. I'm pretty sure it will.
How do you get over a broken heart?
Dear Patient,
My first morsel of wisdom may well be the most important you ever receive: Do not, I repeat do not, take Dr. Phil's advice on this matter. Now, I know what you're all thinking. "Why should we believe you when everyone knows you and Dr. Phil have been locked in a highly publicized rivalry for the hearts and minds of the American public for the better part of a decade? He may be your avowed nemesis, but that doesn't mean he's wrong about everything. And why are you guys sworn enemies anyway? Is the world really not big enough for two Great Thinkers in the field of popular psychology? You are, after all, Dr. Eve, the more attractive of the two. Can't you be satisfied with your many triumphs and leave him to his, lesser as they are?" To which I say: Don't ask about things you don't understand.
But anyway, Patient, listen closely. They say time heals all wounds. Try telling that to Mark Hamill. No, you must not rely on time to do all the work. You must strive; you must be disciplined. You must labor, or suffer a fate not unlike that of Shakespeare's beloved Falstaff, who in fact died of a broken heart and was remembered only for his flatulence.
Do not contact the breaker of your heart. Do not speak to him, or e-mail him, or IM him, or text him. Do not bother dating other people at this time. They will all seem dull and ugly compared to the Breaker, and will only drive your thoughts back to him and elevate him in your diseased memory. DO remind yourself what a douche nozzle he is, how undeserving he was of your love, and how bad his breath was that one time after he ate a large quantity of moules marinieres. Do keep busy, but with meaningful activities. Do ask the advice of people like me. Do not ask the advice of people who are not me.
I hope this helps. I'm pretty sure it will.
Wax On
Dear Doc, Here's one for you about personal care. What's do you do when you need a bikini wax but it's your special lady time. Are waxers used to ignoring the tampon string? Am I gross for even asking or thinking such a thing. Thanks in advance. Sincerely, Frustrated and Fuzzy, Puzzled and Prickly
Dear F&F,P&P,
Surfing the crimson wave, as Cher Horowitz so euphemistically put it, is never much fun; adding the excruciating pain of having your pubic hairs yanked out by an angry Hungarian who recently traded in her neuroscience PhD for a waxing degree from Yonkers Community Cosmetology College rarely improves the situation. That said, when it's time, it's time. Assuming you simply can't wait a few days, go ahead. But keep the following tips in mind:
1. Waxing hurts more during your period, so take a bunch of Aleve or something.
2. Do wear a tampon, but make sure the string is visible (e.g. not the same color as your pubes) and inform your waxer. The mind reels at the horrific thought of said string getting somehow stuck to the wax and being whisked out out you during the pulling-away portion of the procedure. In addition to being awfully unpleasant for you, think about the added insult to your waxer, who, thinking she's certainly seen it all, is shocked to discover that she hasn't. Apologies for the graphic nature of this post, but sometimes a tough look at the truth is the best medicine.
Dear F&F,P&P,
Surfing the crimson wave, as Cher Horowitz so euphemistically put it, is never much fun; adding the excruciating pain of having your pubic hairs yanked out by an angry Hungarian who recently traded in her neuroscience PhD for a waxing degree from Yonkers Community Cosmetology College rarely improves the situation. That said, when it's time, it's time. Assuming you simply can't wait a few days, go ahead. But keep the following tips in mind:
1. Waxing hurts more during your period, so take a bunch of Aleve or something.
2. Do wear a tampon, but make sure the string is visible (e.g. not the same color as your pubes) and inform your waxer. The mind reels at the horrific thought of said string getting somehow stuck to the wax and being whisked out out you during the pulling-away portion of the procedure. In addition to being awfully unpleasant for you, think about the added insult to your waxer, who, thinking she's certainly seen it all, is shocked to discover that she hasn't. Apologies for the graphic nature of this post, but sometimes a tough look at the truth is the best medicine.
Clog Dancer
Dear Dr. Eve,
I LOVE that show you mentioned in your last post. It's my favorite, right up there with Lost, Top Chef (love FABIO! Carla's great, too), and ANY show where Susan Boyle is appearing (am I right?!).
Anyway, my issue today is with a certain sweater-pants wearing coworker. The reason I'm writing is not the sweater pants, as you might surmise. Rather, the other day, over IM, she made me swear never to tell anyone that she gets a real thrill out of clogging toilets in our bathroom (not with #1, mind you). She said she'll never come clean about it, unlike other honest, innocent, kindred souls. Also, sometimes she leaves scuff marks on the lid with her shoes - just for a giggle.
I don't know what to do. I saw some of her handiwork today and I'm in a really awkward place. My other coworkers are so pure and innocent - this would ruin them.
You're the only one who can save us.
Dear Patient,
Wow! You like ALL THE SAME SHOWS I like! That makes me like you more! Talking to you is like being enfolded in the warm embrace of Calgon while on opiates! You’re my best frie–- hey, wait a minute. No one who really loved I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant would refer to it as “that show you mentioned in your last post”! What the -- ?
But let’s get down to the real issues: the apparently rampant coworker abuse sweeping the nation. If the pages of my blog are to be believed, workplaces are becoming like Kiefer Sutherland farms on steroids! I smell a Marie Claire story. Anyway, this one’s a real toughie. Your friend swore you to secrecy about her unsavory practices, and you rightly assume that your other colleagues should be spared this unpleasant knowledge anyway. Which leaves you to shoulder the burden of this rather vile intelligence in solitude. I can only say that silently carrying around a terrible secret can be highly ennobling. Consider that you are in the company of such luminaries as Deep Throat, Clark Kent, the Yakuza, and various grandmothers who staunchly and bravely refuse to give up their recipes for beloved casseroles and the like.
My advice: Kill said colleague with kindness. Do nothing to antagonize her and everything to get into her good graces. You seem to know a lot about TV; perhaps you and she share an interest there. She will doubtless be thrilled to hear you speak with expertise on matters such as Hurley’s unsettling weight gain or Fabio’s bromance with the (far more delightful) Stefan.
Best of luck!
Dear Dr. Eve,I really like all of my co-workers, but something is tearing me up inside. One of them is an especially close friend, but she has a secret, dark side. She pretends she knows what we're talking about during our important pop culture (mostly reality TV) discussions, and we know she does not. She is also the main suspect in a bathroom key theft. I love her, but I don't trust her. What should I do?
Dear Patient,
I think I know who you're talking about. Does her name rhyme with "Floorin' Scum's Den"? Regardless, I can see how this could be very alarming. Life is confusing enough without people trying to pass themselves off as viewers of your favorite shows and/or putter-backers of keys they are secretly pocketing.
A wise old adage tells us that trust is the foundation of a good relationship. Fortunately for you and your friend, this is not really the case. I myself have built countless fruitful and rewarding friendships on little but empty promises and false proclamations of mutual respect. So the next time your colleague attempts to insinuate her so-called thoughts into a discussion about last night's episode of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, Just nod pleasantly and say, "So true, Floorin'. So True." And watch, with a single tear of joy descending your downy cheek, as the flower of your friendship blossoms.
Dear Patient,
I think I know who you're talking about. Does her name rhyme with "Floorin' Scum's Den"? Regardless, I can see how this could be very alarming. Life is confusing enough without people trying to pass themselves off as viewers of your favorite shows and/or putter-backers of keys they are secretly pocketing.
A wise old adage tells us that trust is the foundation of a good relationship. Fortunately for you and your friend, this is not really the case. I myself have built countless fruitful and rewarding friendships on little but empty promises and false proclamations of mutual respect. So the next time your colleague attempts to insinuate her so-called thoughts into a discussion about last night's episode of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, Just nod pleasantly and say, "So true, Floorin'. So True." And watch, with a single tear of joy descending your downy cheek, as the flower of your friendship blossoms.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Dear Dr. Eve, I find myself thirsty for alcohol each day as early as 11am and never later than 4pm. Is this normal? -- D
Dear Patient,
Your story disturbs me. It's bad enough that you want to start drinking at 11, but the fact that you never want to drink after 4 pm is just plain bizarre. In any case, there are only two solutions to this problem: 1. move to Europe or 2. enroll in college. Then you will can freely indulge your thirst without fear of judgment or censure. I hope this helps.
Welcome to my advice blog!
Hello! While not technically a practitioner of the psychiatric arts, I am considered insightful by my friends. That, along with the ever-plummeting standards of the Internet, qualifies me to advise you on your troubles. So fire away.
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