Dear Dr. Eve, I am a white mother of a very cute blonde four year old girl who attends a quasi-public pre-school in a small city on the East Coast. Said city's school system is a bit less diverse than the neighborhood in Brooklyn where I grew up. I am very conscious of this and tend to pounce on the non white parents at birthday parties, and before you know it I've said things like "hip hop", "diverse," "Ralph Ellison," and "Henry Louis Gates, Jr." within the first forty five seconds of the pizza portion of the party. Needless to say, I am in a deep state of embarrassment and remorse by the time I flee the scene in my Subaru with the Obama sticker on the back. Help me to find a new way to say: "We may look like the bad guys in Sound of Music, but we're totally cool and basically black ourselves."
Dear Reader,
There were bad guys in The Sound of Music?!
Here is where my area of expertise runs aground, I'm afraid. If I were to hazard a guess based on anecdotal evidence such as reactions to the work of Vanilla Ice and the like, though, I'd say that some black people might not actually like white people who think they are black. Then again, talking about Henry Louis Gates, Jr. and hip hop probably isn't going to give anyone that impression.
For a more extensive and informed answer, I refer you to a book called Making Friends With Black People by my good friend Nick Adams. I can say he is my good friend because that's what he became -- once I read his book. Nick is a brilliant stand-up comedian, writer, and actor whose excellent book addresses your concerns and many others in an insightful and entertaining manner. Is it any wonder we like each other?
While you're at it, check out his blog, NickAdamsWeb, and his wife Tasha's blog, BlackburnandSweetzer.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Unsolicited Tuesdays!
Where does the time go? It seems like just last week we were birthing a nascent dream called Unsolicited Tuesdays, and now it’s a critically acclaimed, world-renowned institution. The wheel in the sky sure does keep on turning.
Unsolicited Tuesday Item #1: If you’re looking for a way to kill time between your three-cocktail Memorial Day Brunch and your four-beer Memorial Day Barbecue and you prefer not to suffocate in a miasma of your own self-loathing, do not tune into the “Intervention” marathon on USA. Common sense, my friends.
Unsolicited Tuesday Item #2: Definitely tune in tomorrow for the debut of our new guest expert:
Nurse Hobson!
Unsolicited Tuesday Item #1: If you’re looking for a way to kill time between your three-cocktail Memorial Day Brunch and your four-beer Memorial Day Barbecue and you prefer not to suffocate in a miasma of your own self-loathing, do not tune into the “Intervention” marathon on USA. Common sense, my friends.
Unsolicited Tuesday Item #2: Definitely tune in tomorrow for the debut of our new guest expert:
Nurse Hobson!Facebook Fridays!
I know it's not Friday. But I'm announcing this feature now so as to give you guys time to submit questions for my newest feature, where I'll be answering queries about Facebook and other social networking etiquette. I'll kick it off below with the question that inspired this new launch. (I know what you're thinking: What qualifies you, Dr. Eve, who barely uses these sites, to give advice on this topic? To which I say: You might just as easily ask that about this whole blog. Though I'd prefer you didn't.)
Dear Dr. Eve,
I am looking for some advice on how to "send someone a message" (without sending an actual message) on Facebook that 1) I don't care what they think of me and 2) I am blameless for the slow and painful collapse of our friendship over the last 10 years and 3) I am their moral superior in that while I do NOT accept that it is strictly required to answer a letter, phone call, or email for at least 5-10 years upon receipt, it IS a slap in the face to "friend" someone whom you met through a FRIEND who, you have not yet "friended." I hope you understand. Help.
Dear Reader,
If I had a nickel for every time I’d been asked this question, I would have a nickel. But that's only because you're one of seven people reading this. It's called viral marketing, people. Anyway, the point is, Facebook has introduced a whole new subset of social mores of which we've only begun to scratch the surface. While social networking has not essentially altered the nature of friendship, it’s definitely made certain disappointing truths about our acquaintances harder to ignore. (See also: "Jenna Kaplan is sitting shiva for Lipstick Jungle – Asian Pear-tini, anyone?")
Fortunately the rise of internet community also affords many opportunities to make others feel bad about themselves. Appearing to live well on Facebook is the best revenge. Post flattering photos of yourself with your extremely handsome husband and prosperous mutual friends of the ex-friend for this person to stumble across. Even better, have the mutual friends do it. Have a mutual friend post an update about how awesome and beautiful you are, or congratulating you for a recent accomplishment. By all means use Twitter if you can figure out how.
Also, though, and I know this is tough, try to stop caring for real. Whatever the immediate cause of the friendship’s demise, and not denying the fact that the whole thing’s shitty, it was probably the best thing that ever happened to you. We are (understandably) so focused on the pain caused by rejection that we rarely stop to consider how much more painful the alternative would’ve been. Sure, my mom abandoned me when I was six. But it meant I got to be raised by decent folks who weren’t constantly distracted from their parenting duties by an alcohol-fueled thanatos. In other words, if you actually still WERE friends with this person, you’d probably spend all your time wishing you could get out of it. The only thing worse than breaking up with a friend who turned out to suck is having to stay friends with them. Plus, I think I might know who you're talking about and you're way cooler.
Dear Dr. Eve,
I am looking for some advice on how to "send someone a message" (without sending an actual message) on Facebook that 1) I don't care what they think of me and 2) I am blameless for the slow and painful collapse of our friendship over the last 10 years and 3) I am their moral superior in that while I do NOT accept that it is strictly required to answer a letter, phone call, or email for at least 5-10 years upon receipt, it IS a slap in the face to "friend" someone whom you met through a FRIEND who, you have not yet "friended." I hope you understand. Help.
Dear Reader,
If I had a nickel for every time I’d been asked this question, I would have a nickel. But that's only because you're one of seven people reading this. It's called viral marketing, people. Anyway, the point is, Facebook has introduced a whole new subset of social mores of which we've only begun to scratch the surface. While social networking has not essentially altered the nature of friendship, it’s definitely made certain disappointing truths about our acquaintances harder to ignore. (See also: "Jenna Kaplan is sitting shiva for Lipstick Jungle – Asian Pear-tini, anyone?")
Fortunately the rise of internet community also affords many opportunities to make others feel bad about themselves. Appearing to live well on Facebook is the best revenge. Post flattering photos of yourself with your extremely handsome husband and prosperous mutual friends of the ex-friend for this person to stumble across. Even better, have the mutual friends do it. Have a mutual friend post an update about how awesome and beautiful you are, or congratulating you for a recent accomplishment. By all means use Twitter if you can figure out how.
Also, though, and I know this is tough, try to stop caring for real. Whatever the immediate cause of the friendship’s demise, and not denying the fact that the whole thing’s shitty, it was probably the best thing that ever happened to you. We are (understandably) so focused on the pain caused by rejection that we rarely stop to consider how much more painful the alternative would’ve been. Sure, my mom abandoned me when I was six. But it meant I got to be raised by decent folks who weren’t constantly distracted from their parenting duties by an alcohol-fueled thanatos. In other words, if you actually still WERE friends with this person, you’d probably spend all your time wishing you could get out of it. The only thing worse than breaking up with a friend who turned out to suck is having to stay friends with them. Plus, I think I might know who you're talking about and you're way cooler.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Stolen Saturdays!
For reasons I’d rather not go into, I’m debuting another new feature today: Stolen Saturdays. That’s where I scour other advice columns – the kind people actually write in to – and answer those questions better and more wisely than the "writers" of said columns. Like the hermit crab who makes a home in the shells built by others, or the cuckoo bird who lays her eggs in the nests of her neighbors, I’m relying on a certain symbiosis in the advice community. Is this ethical? Why don’t you ask the Ethicist and then I’ll answer it better than him.
DEAR ABBY: My father is 83. My mother has been dead for more than 30 years. Since then, Dad has been involved with many women. But since he turned 70, he has become involved with men, which he says he finds very rewarding and much less complicated.Dad and I always had an open and honest relationship. We have a lot of homosexual family members and friends. At the same time, I'm shocked that the fact he is gay has been so difficult for me to accept. Have you any suggestions on how I might better deal with this? -- CARING SON IN MIAMI
Dear Caring Son in Miami,
Any newsflash of that magnitude from a person you thought you knew can be jarring. I mean, it’s got to be tough to imagine your shriveled octogenarian father doing it with anyone, ladykind or otherwise. But keep in mind that humans, while constitutionally averse to change, are nevertheless remarkably adaptable creatures. Think about how society nearly crumbled when we learned that Pluto might not actually be a planet; now, we carry on relatively normal lives in that knowledge. Who could forget, Caring Son, how violently you reacted to the news that Ashton and Demi were an item? Now, you think they’re the dullest couple in Hollywood after Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron. Time normalizes all things.
The problem here, of course, is that time is the one thing you don’t have much of; your dad could clock out the next time he’s in flagrante with the pool boy. So get your priorities straight, get over it, and invite your penis-loving dad over for your famous Mexican lasagna – and your wholehearted blessing.
Dear Randy,
I am a smart veterinary student, and my husband is an uncommonly intelligent engineer. We have degrees from prestigious universities. However, diabetes and heart disease run in my family, and my husband has Crohn's disease and a congenital heart problem. If we had three kids, we would contribute to overpopulation, but perhaps (even despite the medical issues) marginally increase the quality of that population (aren't I pretentious!). May we ethically have more than two children? Alison Cornwall, Davis, Calif.
Dear Alison,
Congenital predispositions toward one disease or another are common in just about every blood line, and hardly a reason to forgo one’s God-given fruitfulness. The larger and more serious issue you face is the possibility that you will bequeath your terrible personality and obnoxious delusions of superiority to the next generation. Not to mention your hideous appearance. (If you were at all attractive, you no doubt would have mentioned that in your letter.) If you do have three children, consider giving them up for adoption so they can be raised by nice people.
DEAR ABBY: My father is 83. My mother has been dead for more than 30 years. Since then, Dad has been involved with many women. But since he turned 70, he has become involved with men, which he says he finds very rewarding and much less complicated.Dad and I always had an open and honest relationship. We have a lot of homosexual family members and friends. At the same time, I'm shocked that the fact he is gay has been so difficult for me to accept. Have you any suggestions on how I might better deal with this? -- CARING SON IN MIAMI
Dear Caring Son in Miami,
Any newsflash of that magnitude from a person you thought you knew can be jarring. I mean, it’s got to be tough to imagine your shriveled octogenarian father doing it with anyone, ladykind or otherwise. But keep in mind that humans, while constitutionally averse to change, are nevertheless remarkably adaptable creatures. Think about how society nearly crumbled when we learned that Pluto might not actually be a planet; now, we carry on relatively normal lives in that knowledge. Who could forget, Caring Son, how violently you reacted to the news that Ashton and Demi were an item? Now, you think they’re the dullest couple in Hollywood after Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron. Time normalizes all things.
The problem here, of course, is that time is the one thing you don’t have much of; your dad could clock out the next time he’s in flagrante with the pool boy. So get your priorities straight, get over it, and invite your penis-loving dad over for your famous Mexican lasagna – and your wholehearted blessing.
Dear Randy,
I am a smart veterinary student, and my husband is an uncommonly intelligent engineer. We have degrees from prestigious universities. However, diabetes and heart disease run in my family, and my husband has Crohn's disease and a congenital heart problem. If we had three kids, we would contribute to overpopulation, but perhaps (even despite the medical issues) marginally increase the quality of that population (aren't I pretentious!). May we ethically have more than two children? Alison Cornwall, Davis, Calif.
Dear Alison,
Congenital predispositions toward one disease or another are common in just about every blood line, and hardly a reason to forgo one’s God-given fruitfulness. The larger and more serious issue you face is the possibility that you will bequeath your terrible personality and obnoxious delusions of superiority to the next generation. Not to mention your hideous appearance. (If you were at all attractive, you no doubt would have mentioned that in your letter.) If you do have three children, consider giving them up for adoption so they can be raised by nice people.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Unsolicited Tuesdays!
Sorry for the radio silence, readers. Like many things in life that are a source of chronic disappointment and thwarted promise, an advice blog is a two-way street. When the questions stop coming, so do the answers. But I, never one to let reality stand in the way of progress, have devised a way around the total lack of recent interest around here: Unsolicited Tuesdays. It's a forum in which I will simply dole out advice where I see a need -- regardless of whether it's wanted. That way, even if you can't think of a good question, you can keep benefiting from my wisdom. All five of you. Without further bullshitting, here are some tidbits to treasure...
Unsolicited Advice Item #1: If you are a fan of great acting, riveting yet heartbreaking origin tales, universal themes, Simon Pegg, Leonard Nimoy, new stuff, old stuff, the future, JJ Abrams, uniforms, aliens, humans, drama, comedy, romance, bromance, split infinitives, space, Earth, Eric Bana, and/or time travel, definitely see Star Trek.
Unsolicited Advice Item #2: Are you an emotional blackmailer? Or the victim of one? Do you even know what that is? Do you care? If you answered "yes" or "no" to any of these questions, you should read "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward. It's got lots of crazy stories about jerky people who manipulate other people using fear and guilt. It's good to read if you ever find yourself on either side of this type of dynamic which, if you ever HAVE been, you know totally bites le big one.
Unsolicited Advice Item #3: Sometimes my friends ask me, "Jeez, Dr. Eve, how do you cover up all those gnarly acne scars and current acne outbreaks and age spots and hyperpigmentations and dark circles?" My answer is: Drugstore cosmetics are great! You should use them. They're so much cheaper and easier to get. Here are some ones that I like.
1. Revlon Colorstay Foundation. Really. Just like the name says, the color really stays! To apply it, I use the Duane Reade brand of cosmetic sponges.
2. L'Oreal HIP Jelly Balm. Moisturizing, saturated color. I like the shade called "Luscious."
3. Cover Girl Outlast Lipstain. Like a marker. For your mouth.
Unsolicited Advice Item #4: If your name is Vincent D'onofrio and you play Detective Robert Goren on Law and Order: CI, you should lose a few lbs. Don't get me wrong, Vince. I still think you're smokin' hot to the maximum. If I could lure you into bed I'd flip you over and service you six ways to Sunday. If I could lift you. Which I cant. Which is kind of the point. But it's more a matter of concern for your health. You're not as young as you were, and if you plan to keep entertaining us for many years to come (the original L&O just got renewed for its 20th season!), you'll want to be in tip-top shape. Also, consider the bizarre impression your increasing mass makes in relation to your colleagues. Line you up next to the liliputian Detective Eames and new manorexic castmember Jeff Goldblum, and you've pretty much got a total circus freakshow. It's a distraction from the real issues, Vince.
Unsolicited Advice Item #1: If you are a fan of great acting, riveting yet heartbreaking origin tales, universal themes, Simon Pegg, Leonard Nimoy, new stuff, old stuff, the future, JJ Abrams, uniforms, aliens, humans, drama, comedy, romance, bromance, split infinitives, space, Earth, Eric Bana, and/or time travel, definitely see Star Trek.
Unsolicited Advice Item #2: Are you an emotional blackmailer? Or the victim of one? Do you even know what that is? Do you care? If you answered "yes" or "no" to any of these questions, you should read "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward. It's got lots of crazy stories about jerky people who manipulate other people using fear and guilt. It's good to read if you ever find yourself on either side of this type of dynamic which, if you ever HAVE been, you know totally bites le big one.
Unsolicited Advice Item #3: Sometimes my friends ask me, "Jeez, Dr. Eve, how do you cover up all those gnarly acne scars and current acne outbreaks and age spots and hyperpigmentations and dark circles?" My answer is: Drugstore cosmetics are great! You should use them. They're so much cheaper and easier to get. Here are some ones that I like.1. Revlon Colorstay Foundation. Really. Just like the name says, the color really stays! To apply it, I use the Duane Reade brand of cosmetic sponges.
2. L'Oreal HIP Jelly Balm. Moisturizing, saturated color. I like the shade called "Luscious."
3. Cover Girl Outlast Lipstain. Like a marker. For your mouth.
Unsolicited Advice Item #4: If your name is Vincent D'onofrio and you play Detective Robert Goren on Law and Order: CI, you should lose a few lbs. Don't get me wrong, Vince. I still think you're smokin' hot to the maximum. If I could lure you into bed I'd flip you over and service you six ways to Sunday. If I could lift you. Which I cant. Which is kind of the point. But it's more a matter of concern for your health. You're not as young as you were, and if you plan to keep entertaining us for many years to come (the original L&O just got renewed for its 20th season!), you'll want to be in tip-top shape. Also, consider the bizarre impression your increasing mass makes in relation to your colleagues. Line you up next to the liliputian Detective Eames and new manorexic castmember Jeff Goldblum, and you've pretty much got a total circus freakshow. It's a distraction from the real issues, Vince.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Dear Dr. Eve,
How do you get over a broken heart?
Dear Patient,
My first morsel of wisdom may well be the most important you ever receive: Do not, I repeat do not, take Dr. Phil's advice on this matter. Now, I know what you're all thinking. "Why should we believe you when everyone knows you and Dr. Phil have been locked in a highly publicized rivalry for the hearts and minds of the American public for the better part of a decade? He may be your avowed nemesis, but that doesn't mean he's wrong about everything. And why are you guys sworn enemies anyway? Is the world really not big enough for two Great Thinkers in the field of popular psychology? You are, after all, Dr. Eve, the more attractive of the two. Can't you be satisfied with your many triumphs and leave him to his, lesser as they are?" To which I say: Don't ask about things you don't understand.
But anyway, Patient, listen closely. They say time heals all wounds. Try telling that to Mark Hamill. No, you must not rely on time to do all the work. You must strive; you must be disciplined. You must labor, or suffer a fate not unlike that of Shakespeare's beloved Falstaff, who in fact died of a broken heart and was remembered only for his flatulence.
Do not contact the breaker of your heart. Do not speak to him, or e-mail him, or IM him, or text him. Do not bother dating other people at this time. They will all seem dull and ugly compared to the Breaker, and will only drive your thoughts back to him and elevate him in your diseased memory. DO remind yourself what a douche nozzle he is, how undeserving he was of your love, and how bad his breath was that one time after he ate a large quantity of moules marinieres. Do keep busy, but with meaningful activities. Do ask the advice of people like me. Do not ask the advice of people who are not me.
I hope this helps. I'm pretty sure it will.
How do you get over a broken heart?
Dear Patient,
My first morsel of wisdom may well be the most important you ever receive: Do not, I repeat do not, take Dr. Phil's advice on this matter. Now, I know what you're all thinking. "Why should we believe you when everyone knows you and Dr. Phil have been locked in a highly publicized rivalry for the hearts and minds of the American public for the better part of a decade? He may be your avowed nemesis, but that doesn't mean he's wrong about everything. And why are you guys sworn enemies anyway? Is the world really not big enough for two Great Thinkers in the field of popular psychology? You are, after all, Dr. Eve, the more attractive of the two. Can't you be satisfied with your many triumphs and leave him to his, lesser as they are?" To which I say: Don't ask about things you don't understand.
But anyway, Patient, listen closely. They say time heals all wounds. Try telling that to Mark Hamill. No, you must not rely on time to do all the work. You must strive; you must be disciplined. You must labor, or suffer a fate not unlike that of Shakespeare's beloved Falstaff, who in fact died of a broken heart and was remembered only for his flatulence.
Do not contact the breaker of your heart. Do not speak to him, or e-mail him, or IM him, or text him. Do not bother dating other people at this time. They will all seem dull and ugly compared to the Breaker, and will only drive your thoughts back to him and elevate him in your diseased memory. DO remind yourself what a douche nozzle he is, how undeserving he was of your love, and how bad his breath was that one time after he ate a large quantity of moules marinieres. Do keep busy, but with meaningful activities. Do ask the advice of people like me. Do not ask the advice of people who are not me.
I hope this helps. I'm pretty sure it will.
Wax On
Dear Doc, Here's one for you about personal care. What's do you do when you need a bikini wax but it's your special lady time. Are waxers used to ignoring the tampon string? Am I gross for even asking or thinking such a thing. Thanks in advance. Sincerely, Frustrated and Fuzzy, Puzzled and Prickly
Dear F&F,P&P,
Surfing the crimson wave, as Cher Horowitz so euphemistically put it, is never much fun; adding the excruciating pain of having your pubic hairs yanked out by an angry Hungarian who recently traded in her neuroscience PhD for a waxing degree from Yonkers Community Cosmetology College rarely improves the situation. That said, when it's time, it's time. Assuming you simply can't wait a few days, go ahead. But keep the following tips in mind:
1. Waxing hurts more during your period, so take a bunch of Aleve or something.
2. Do wear a tampon, but make sure the string is visible (e.g. not the same color as your pubes) and inform your waxer. The mind reels at the horrific thought of said string getting somehow stuck to the wax and being whisked out out you during the pulling-away portion of the procedure. In addition to being awfully unpleasant for you, think about the added insult to your waxer, who, thinking she's certainly seen it all, is shocked to discover that she hasn't. Apologies for the graphic nature of this post, but sometimes a tough look at the truth is the best medicine.
Dear F&F,P&P,
Surfing the crimson wave, as Cher Horowitz so euphemistically put it, is never much fun; adding the excruciating pain of having your pubic hairs yanked out by an angry Hungarian who recently traded in her neuroscience PhD for a waxing degree from Yonkers Community Cosmetology College rarely improves the situation. That said, when it's time, it's time. Assuming you simply can't wait a few days, go ahead. But keep the following tips in mind:
1. Waxing hurts more during your period, so take a bunch of Aleve or something.
2. Do wear a tampon, but make sure the string is visible (e.g. not the same color as your pubes) and inform your waxer. The mind reels at the horrific thought of said string getting somehow stuck to the wax and being whisked out out you during the pulling-away portion of the procedure. In addition to being awfully unpleasant for you, think about the added insult to your waxer, who, thinking she's certainly seen it all, is shocked to discover that she hasn't. Apologies for the graphic nature of this post, but sometimes a tough look at the truth is the best medicine.
Clog Dancer
Dear Dr. Eve,
I LOVE that show you mentioned in your last post. It's my favorite, right up there with Lost, Top Chef (love FABIO! Carla's great, too), and ANY show where Susan Boyle is appearing (am I right?!).
Anyway, my issue today is with a certain sweater-pants wearing coworker. The reason I'm writing is not the sweater pants, as you might surmise. Rather, the other day, over IM, she made me swear never to tell anyone that she gets a real thrill out of clogging toilets in our bathroom (not with #1, mind you). She said she'll never come clean about it, unlike other honest, innocent, kindred souls. Also, sometimes she leaves scuff marks on the lid with her shoes - just for a giggle.
I don't know what to do. I saw some of her handiwork today and I'm in a really awkward place. My other coworkers are so pure and innocent - this would ruin them.
You're the only one who can save us.
Dear Patient,
Wow! You like ALL THE SAME SHOWS I like! That makes me like you more! Talking to you is like being enfolded in the warm embrace of Calgon while on opiates! You’re my best frie–- hey, wait a minute. No one who really loved I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant would refer to it as “that show you mentioned in your last post”! What the -- ?
But let’s get down to the real issues: the apparently rampant coworker abuse sweeping the nation. If the pages of my blog are to be believed, workplaces are becoming like Kiefer Sutherland farms on steroids! I smell a Marie Claire story. Anyway, this one’s a real toughie. Your friend swore you to secrecy about her unsavory practices, and you rightly assume that your other colleagues should be spared this unpleasant knowledge anyway. Which leaves you to shoulder the burden of this rather vile intelligence in solitude. I can only say that silently carrying around a terrible secret can be highly ennobling. Consider that you are in the company of such luminaries as Deep Throat, Clark Kent, the Yakuza, and various grandmothers who staunchly and bravely refuse to give up their recipes for beloved casseroles and the like.
My advice: Kill said colleague with kindness. Do nothing to antagonize her and everything to get into her good graces. You seem to know a lot about TV; perhaps you and she share an interest there. She will doubtless be thrilled to hear you speak with expertise on matters such as Hurley’s unsettling weight gain or Fabio’s bromance with the (far more delightful) Stefan.
Best of luck!
Dear Dr. Eve,I really like all of my co-workers, but something is tearing me up inside. One of them is an especially close friend, but she has a secret, dark side. She pretends she knows what we're talking about during our important pop culture (mostly reality TV) discussions, and we know she does not. She is also the main suspect in a bathroom key theft. I love her, but I don't trust her. What should I do?
Dear Patient,
I think I know who you're talking about. Does her name rhyme with "Floorin' Scum's Den"? Regardless, I can see how this could be very alarming. Life is confusing enough without people trying to pass themselves off as viewers of your favorite shows and/or putter-backers of keys they are secretly pocketing.
A wise old adage tells us that trust is the foundation of a good relationship. Fortunately for you and your friend, this is not really the case. I myself have built countless fruitful and rewarding friendships on little but empty promises and false proclamations of mutual respect. So the next time your colleague attempts to insinuate her so-called thoughts into a discussion about last night's episode of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, Just nod pleasantly and say, "So true, Floorin'. So True." And watch, with a single tear of joy descending your downy cheek, as the flower of your friendship blossoms.
Dear Patient,
I think I know who you're talking about. Does her name rhyme with "Floorin' Scum's Den"? Regardless, I can see how this could be very alarming. Life is confusing enough without people trying to pass themselves off as viewers of your favorite shows and/or putter-backers of keys they are secretly pocketing.
A wise old adage tells us that trust is the foundation of a good relationship. Fortunately for you and your friend, this is not really the case. I myself have built countless fruitful and rewarding friendships on little but empty promises and false proclamations of mutual respect. So the next time your colleague attempts to insinuate her so-called thoughts into a discussion about last night's episode of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, Just nod pleasantly and say, "So true, Floorin'. So True." And watch, with a single tear of joy descending your downy cheek, as the flower of your friendship blossoms.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Dear Dr. Eve, I find myself thirsty for alcohol each day as early as 11am and never later than 4pm. Is this normal? -- D
Dear Patient,
Your story disturbs me. It's bad enough that you want to start drinking at 11, but the fact that you never want to drink after 4 pm is just plain bizarre. In any case, there are only two solutions to this problem: 1. move to Europe or 2. enroll in college. Then you will can freely indulge your thirst without fear of judgment or censure. I hope this helps.
Welcome to my advice blog!
Hello! While not technically a practitioner of the psychiatric arts, I am considered insightful by my friends. That, along with the ever-plummeting standards of the Internet, qualifies me to advise you on your troubles. So fire away.
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