Dear Dr. Eve,
How do you get over a broken heart?

Dear Patient,
My first morsel of wisdom may well be the most important you ever receive: Do not, I repeat do not, take Dr. Phil's advice on this matter. Now, I know what you're all thinking. "Why should we believe you when everyone knows you and Dr. Phil have been locked in a highly publicized rivalry for the hearts and minds of the American public for the better part of a decade? He may be your avowed nemesis, but that doesn't mean he's wrong about everything. And why are you guys sworn enemies anyway? Is the world really not big enough for two Great Thinkers in the field of popular psychology? You are, after all, Dr. Eve, the more attractive of the two. Can't you be satisfied with your many triumphs and leave him to his, lesser as they are?" To which I say: Don't ask about things you don't understand.

But anyway, Patient, listen closely. They say time heals all wounds. Try telling that to Mark Hamill. No, you must not rely on time to do all the work. You must strive; you must be disciplined. You must labor, or suffer a fate not unlike that of Shakespeare's beloved Falstaff, who in fact died of a broken heart and was remembered only for his flatulence.

Do not contact the breaker of your heart. Do not speak to him, or e-mail him, or IM him, or text him. Do not bother dating other people at this time. They will all seem dull and ugly compared to the Breaker, and will only drive your thoughts back to him and elevate him in your diseased memory. DO remind yourself what a douche nozzle he is, how undeserving he was of your love, and how bad his breath was that one time after he ate a large quantity of moules marinieres. Do keep busy, but with meaningful activities. Do ask the advice of people like me. Do not ask the advice of people who are not me.

I hope this helps. I'm pretty sure it will.