Facebook Fridays!

I know it's not Friday. But I'm announcing this feature now so as to give you guys time to submit questions for my newest feature, where I'll be answering queries about Facebook and other social networking etiquette. I'll kick it off below with the question that inspired this new launch. (I know what you're thinking: What qualifies you, Dr. Eve, who barely uses these sites, to give advice on this topic? To which I say: You might just as easily ask that about this whole blog. Though I'd prefer you didn't.)

Dear Dr. Eve,
I am looking for some advice on how to "send someone a message" (without sending an actual message) on Facebook that 1) I don't care what they think of me and 2) I am blameless for the slow and painful collapse of our friendship over the last 10 years and 3) I am their moral superior in that while I do NOT accept that it is strictly required to answer a letter, phone call, or email for at least 5-10 years upon receipt, it IS a slap in the face to "friend" someone whom you met through a FRIEND who, you have not yet "friended." I hope you understand. Help.

Dear Reader,
If I had a nickel for every time I’d been asked this question, I would have a nickel. But that's only because you're one of seven people reading this. It's called viral marketing, people. Anyway, the point is, Facebook has introduced a whole new subset of social mores of which we've only begun to scratch the surface. While social networking has not essentially altered the nature of friendship, it’s definitely made certain disappointing truths about our acquaintances harder to ignore. (See also: "Jenna Kaplan is sitting shiva for Lipstick Jungle – Asian Pear-tini, anyone?")
Fortunately the rise of internet community also affords many opportunities to make others feel bad about themselves. Appearing to live well on Facebook is the best revenge. Post flattering photos of yourself with your extremely handsome husband and prosperous mutual friends of the ex-friend for this person to stumble across. Even better, have the mutual friends do it. Have a mutual friend post an update about how awesome and beautiful you are, or congratulating you for a recent accomplishment. By all means use Twitter if you can figure out how.
Also, though, and I know this is tough, try to stop caring for real. Whatever the immediate cause of the friendship’s demise, and not denying the fact that the whole thing’s shitty, it was probably the best thing that ever happened to you. We are (understandably) so focused on the pain caused by rejection that we rarely stop to consider how much more painful the alternative would’ve been. Sure, my mom abandoned me when I was six. But it meant I got to be raised by decent folks who weren’t constantly distracted from their parenting duties by an alcohol-fueled thanatos. In other words, if you actually still WERE friends with this person, you’d probably spend all your time wishing you could get out of it. The only thing worse than breaking up with a friend who turned out to suck is having to stay friends with them. Plus, I think I might know who you're talking about and you're way cooler.