Stolen Saturdays!

For reasons I’d rather not go into, I’m debuting another new feature today: Stolen Saturdays. That’s where I scour other advice columns – the kind people actually write in to – and answer those questions better and more wisely than the "writers" of said columns. Like the hermit crab who makes a home in the shells built by others, or the cuckoo bird who lays her eggs in the nests of her neighbors, I’m relying on a certain symbiosis in the advice community. Is this ethical? Why don’t you ask the Ethicist and then I’ll answer it better than him.

DEAR ABBY: My father is 83. My mother has been dead for more than 30 years. Since then, Dad has been involved with many women. But since he turned 70, he has become involved with men, which he says he finds very rewarding and much less complicated.Dad and I always had an open and honest relationship. We have a lot of homosexual family members and friends. At the same time, I'm shocked that the fact he is gay has been so difficult for me to accept. Have you any suggestions on how I might better deal with this? -- CARING SON IN MIAMI

Dear Caring Son in Miami,

Any newsflash of that magnitude from a person you thought you knew can be jarring. I mean, it’s got to be tough to imagine your shriveled octogenarian father doing it with anyone, ladykind or otherwise. But keep in mind that humans, while constitutionally averse to change, are nevertheless remarkably adaptable creatures. Think about how society nearly crumbled when we learned that Pluto might not actually be a planet; now, we carry on relatively normal lives in that knowledge. Who could forget, Caring Son, how violently you reacted to the news that Ashton and Demi were an item? Now, you think they’re the dullest couple in Hollywood after Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron. Time normalizes all things.
The problem here, of course, is that time is the one thing you don’t have much of; your dad could clock out the next time he’s in flagrante with the pool boy. So get your priorities straight, get over it, and invite your penis-loving dad over for your famous Mexican lasagna – and your wholehearted blessing.

Dear Randy,
I am a smart veterinary student, and my husband is an uncommonly intelligent engineer. We have degrees from prestigious universities. However, diabetes and heart disease run in my family, and my husband has Crohn's disease and a congenital heart problem. If we had three kids, we would contribute to overpopulation, but perhaps (even despite the medical issues) marginally increase the quality of that population (aren't I pretentious!). May we ethically have more than two children? Alison Cornwall, Davis, Calif.

Dear Alison,
Congenital predispositions toward one disease or another are common in just about every blood line, and hardly a reason to forgo one’s God-given fruitfulness. The larger and more serious issue you face is the possibility that you will bequeath your terrible personality and obnoxious delusions of superiority to the next generation. Not to mention your hideous appearance. (If you were at all attractive, you no doubt would have mentioned that in your letter.) If you do have three children, consider giving them up for adoption so they can be raised by nice people.