Little Bunny: dr. eve can you give me some dating tips
Dr. Eve: yes
LIttle Bunny: like good conversation things and such
Little Bunny: on your blog
Dr. Eve: yes.
Little Bunny: but specifically for my age range please
Little Bunny: AND maybe tell me how to find a summer fling
Little Bunny: many thanks, Little Bunny
Dear Little Bunny,
You've come to the right place. In fact, you've come to the only place. The dating advice space is littered with would-be "experts" dispensing so-called "guidance" to wannabe "daters" about their alleged "problems" with their imaginary "boyfriends." Don't believe the hype! I'm the only game in town. Now, on to your query.
1. Good Conversation Things And Such
LB, you already have a wealth of discussion topics at your fuzzy little pawtips. No subject is too banal if you apply a patina of highbrow discourse to it. It's called putting your fancy college education to good use. Example:
Instead of: "I simply refuse to miss a single episode of The Bachelorette." (translates to: I'm shallow and unashamed to admit it)
Say: "The fact that by calling something 'reality TV' we've actually altered our sense of what constitutes reality sort of puts me in mind of Baudrillard's simulacrum, you know?" (translates to: I'm shallow and unashamed to admit it and that makes me postmodern and brilliant)
See how that works?
More importantly, though, remember that men like to be asked questions and have others show an interest in them. Ask them about themselves and answer their answers with seemingly insightful follow-up questions interwoven with compliments. For example:
You: So, what did you major in?
Him: Poli-Ec.
You: Wow, really? You must be really smart. Of all the abbreviated hybrid majors, that's the one I've always been most curious about.
Him: Yeah, it was the best. It's basically an interdisciplinary approach to understanding the interplay between political institutions and market trends.
You: Thank God someone is paying attention to that. Did you have any area of special interest?
And so on. Please note that you need have zero knowledge of the subject in question; just act impressed like you can't get enough.
2. How to Find a Summer Fling
Summer flings are excellent things, but only if you are truly mentally prepared for such a relationship. If by "summer fling" you mean "something I'll call a summer fling in order to seem like one of those breezy, nonchalant girls who can pull something like that off while secretly hoping it will blossom into a lifelong commitment and therefore slowly allow my mind and spirit to unravel as the season draws to its inexorable end," don't even bother. But, Bunny, if you are truly game, just follow this list of instructions.
1. Aim low. This is key. A flingworthy dude is not at all the same as boyfriend material. Stop expecting him to be so handsome and perfect and smart and talented and hilarious. Two of the five should suffice for your needs. Short of actual physical revulsion, you should forge gamely ahead.
2. Reconsider previous rejects. I bet that at any given moment there are at least three or four dudes you could be sleeping with but simply passed over because they weren't good enough. Well, they're good enough during the months of June, July, and August.
3. Hang around in bars. Self explanatory.
4. Don't necessarily "be yourself." Save that for the guy you're gonna marry. This is a great time to be bold and experiment with new pickup lines, new personal style, new hangouts, or simply a more outgoing demeanor. You've got nothing to lose -- remember, you're not looking for The One, so who cares if that second-rate douchenozzle at JG Mellon's doesn't think much of your new dashiki and butt-toning flip-flops?
Best of luck, Little Bunny!
Friday, June 12, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
If I'd Known You Were Coming I Wouldn't've Baked a Pie
Dear Dr. Eve,
My husband and I love eating, drinking, and our friends, and so our most favorite pastime is eating and drinking with our friends. We often invite a bunch of pals over for dinner on the weekends, and that is just what we did this past Saturday evening. If guests ever ask, “What can we bring?” I always reply that all we want is their company and to not worry about bringing anything, and if they insist, I’ll say, bring a fun (i.e. cheap) bottle of wine. Another piece of background that is crucial to my query: we’ve found that if we’re entertaining more than two people, it’s always worth it to have help, and so our awesome cleaning lady comes for a few hours to make things run smoothly and keep things tidy.
This feast was a good, old-fashioned barbecue, and as I found fresh-picked, local strawberries and rhubarb at the farmers’ market that morning, I made a pie, complete with lattice-crust top. One guest, the girlfriend of one of my husband’s dearest friends, brought a beautiful cake from a bakery near her house. This woman is a living doll, and although we don’t know her all that well, we really love her and it seems she loves us. When presented with the cake, I opened the box and admired it and told her how amazing it looked and thanked her profusely, expressing genuine gratitude for her thoughtfulness.
By the time dessert rolled around, everyone was pretty full, as well as tipsy. I served only my pie, with fresh whipped cream, because serving the cake too seemed like overkill. Yes, you could also infer that I wanted the pie I’d slaved over all day to have the spotlight, but technically I was safe because manners dictate you should not expect your host to serve any wine or food you bring as a gift, especially if you haven’t asked if it fits into their plans. I even said, “Nancy*, I hope you don’t mind I didn’t serve your cake as well, it just seemed like too much,” and she seemed to express that she was not hurt. Everything would have been fine, I think, until my husband told the cleaning lady she could head home, and out she walked with the cake. As she said goodbye, she delightedly showed off said cake, declaring how happy she was my husband said she could take it home. Nancy seemed to grimace visibly and I felt awful and embarrassed. But, my husband’s thinking was, the best and most thoughtful fate for the cake was in the hands of someone who would really appreciate and savor it, and the cleaning lady fit that bill. I think he’s ultimately right, but I think it seemed to Nancy like we carelessly tossed her expensive and kind gift to the help.
What say you, Dr. Eve?
Yours,
Given a Cake Smile by the Departing Guest
Dear Given a Cake Smile by the Departing Guest,
First of all, your letter is a treasure. Dazzling detail, wry humor, edge-of-your-seat suspense, and a plot that hinges on multiple desserts and a gleeful cleaning lady? A new epistolary standard has been set, readers.
But let’s get to your dilemma, which, like the dessert in question, is multilayered. Your conduct was above reproach, GCSDG. You observed all known laws of etiquette w/r/t the cake. But at its heart, this is a query about regifting, an issue which has divided the advice community for millennia. I happen to believe in discreet regifting: your husband’s error was not that he regifted, but that he regifted in the presence of the original gifter. If the cleaning lady had whisked away the confection unnoticed, the whole thing would’ve gone off without a hitch. A tricky undertaking, yes, but far from impossible: If we have the technology to hide a stripper inside a cake, surely we can figure out how to secrete a cake in a cleaning lady’s satchel.
My husband and I love eating, drinking, and our friends, and so our most favorite pastime is eating and drinking with our friends. We often invite a bunch of pals over for dinner on the weekends, and that is just what we did this past Saturday evening. If guests ever ask, “What can we bring?” I always reply that all we want is their company and to not worry about bringing anything, and if they insist, I’ll say, bring a fun (i.e. cheap) bottle of wine. Another piece of background that is crucial to my query: we’ve found that if we’re entertaining more than two people, it’s always worth it to have help, and so our awesome cleaning lady comes for a few hours to make things run smoothly and keep things tidy.
This feast was a good, old-fashioned barbecue, and as I found fresh-picked, local strawberries and rhubarb at the farmers’ market that morning, I made a pie, complete with lattice-crust top. One guest, the girlfriend of one of my husband’s dearest friends, brought a beautiful cake from a bakery near her house. This woman is a living doll, and although we don’t know her all that well, we really love her and it seems she loves us. When presented with the cake, I opened the box and admired it and told her how amazing it looked and thanked her profusely, expressing genuine gratitude for her thoughtfulness.
By the time dessert rolled around, everyone was pretty full, as well as tipsy. I served only my pie, with fresh whipped cream, because serving the cake too seemed like overkill. Yes, you could also infer that I wanted the pie I’d slaved over all day to have the spotlight, but technically I was safe because manners dictate you should not expect your host to serve any wine or food you bring as a gift, especially if you haven’t asked if it fits into their plans. I even said, “Nancy*, I hope you don’t mind I didn’t serve your cake as well, it just seemed like too much,” and she seemed to express that she was not hurt. Everything would have been fine, I think, until my husband told the cleaning lady she could head home, and out she walked with the cake. As she said goodbye, she delightedly showed off said cake, declaring how happy she was my husband said she could take it home. Nancy seemed to grimace visibly and I felt awful and embarrassed. But, my husband’s thinking was, the best and most thoughtful fate for the cake was in the hands of someone who would really appreciate and savor it, and the cleaning lady fit that bill. I think he’s ultimately right, but I think it seemed to Nancy like we carelessly tossed her expensive and kind gift to the help.
What say you, Dr. Eve?
Yours,
Given a Cake Smile by the Departing Guest
Dear Given a Cake Smile by the Departing Guest,
First of all, your letter is a treasure. Dazzling detail, wry humor, edge-of-your-seat suspense, and a plot that hinges on multiple desserts and a gleeful cleaning lady? A new epistolary standard has been set, readers.
But let’s get to your dilemma, which, like the dessert in question, is multilayered. Your conduct was above reproach, GCSDG. You observed all known laws of etiquette w/r/t the cake. But at its heart, this is a query about regifting, an issue which has divided the advice community for millennia. I happen to believe in discreet regifting: your husband’s error was not that he regifted, but that he regifted in the presence of the original gifter. If the cleaning lady had whisked away the confection unnoticed, the whole thing would’ve gone off without a hitch. A tricky undertaking, yes, but far from impossible: If we have the technology to hide a stripper inside a cake, surely we can figure out how to secrete a cake in a cleaning lady’s satchel.
Monday, June 8, 2009
New Is The New New
Hello Dr. Eve,
A year and a half ago I relocated to a new city that I'll call "Albuquerque" to maintain my anonymity. I thought I had remained friends with the girls in my old city. But just today I discovered that once of them launched a blog, over a MONTH AGO, without telling me. I don't want to get into too much back story, but suffice it to say, I love blogs. Why do you think my friend didn't inform me of her blog earlier? Should I confront her? -New in New Mexico
Dear New,
Confrontation is never the answer. Didn't anyone ever teach you to push your feelings deep down inside, hide them away from the world, and suffer the consequences (ulcers, cancer, sleep-eating, raising fucked-up kids) on your own time?
Seriously, though, I wouldn't take it personally if I were you. Unacquainted as I am with the particulars of this situation, I can't say for sure, but my suspicion is that this blogging friend of yours was too shy too make too big a deal of her new venture. She started it on a whim one day after lamenting the lack of creative outlet in her day-to-day life. She knows you to be a particularly clever writer and editor, and so was all the more nervous to show it to you.
I mean, probably. This is all just conjecture.
A year and a half ago I relocated to a new city that I'll call "Albuquerque" to maintain my anonymity. I thought I had remained friends with the girls in my old city. But just today I discovered that once of them launched a blog, over a MONTH AGO, without telling me. I don't want to get into too much back story, but suffice it to say, I love blogs. Why do you think my friend didn't inform me of her blog earlier? Should I confront her? -New in New Mexico
Dear New,
Confrontation is never the answer. Didn't anyone ever teach you to push your feelings deep down inside, hide them away from the world, and suffer the consequences (ulcers, cancer, sleep-eating, raising fucked-up kids) on your own time?
Seriously, though, I wouldn't take it personally if I were you. Unacquainted as I am with the particulars of this situation, I can't say for sure, but my suspicion is that this blogging friend of yours was too shy too make too big a deal of her new venture. She started it on a whim one day after lamenting the lack of creative outlet in her day-to-day life. She knows you to be a particularly clever writer and editor, and so was all the more nervous to show it to you.
I mean, probably. This is all just conjecture.
Stolen Saturdays: He's Just Not That Into Being Stalked By a Crazy Person
Welcome back to Stolen Saturdays, the feature where I scour other advice columns – the kind people actually write in to – and answer those questions better and more wisely than the "writers" of said columns. Like the hermit crab who makes a home in the shells built by others, or the cuckoo bird who lays her eggs in the nests of her neighbors, I’m relying on a certain symbiosis in the advice community. Is this ethical? Why don’t you ask the Ethicist and then I’ll answer it better than him.
Dear Miss Manners:
Two months ago, I started a beautiful relationship with a 59-year-old guy. I am 44. We broke up with our current relationships based on the strong feelings we felt for each other.
After a month of feeling bad for his ex, my new man says he feels we should take a break, but after a few days, he wanted to see me. He hugs me for dear life when he does see me, but when we speak on the phone, he goes back to "let's take a break." I do not understand what's going on. He is talking with the ex, and I do believe him when he says there is no intimacy, they're establishing a better friendship. He was feeling a lot of guilt from their breakup.
The other day (Monday), he was to return my call, and I waited all night. Keep in mind he just lost a friend on Friday or Saturday. I decided to call and let the phone ring over and over. I left two bad messages, but I let it ring over and over.
Well, he finally called back to say this was the last time he'll talk to me. (He had said that to the ex when she visited me at the job, but now they're talking.) He told me I should've checked my e-mail. I was unaware that hours before, he sent me this message: "Please let it be for now. I ask for solitude at this time. I am okay, but I ask that you not call me. I need to be alone. Thanks."
I felt so bad. I would not have called like that. How do I make up? I sent a reply that I had wanted him to see this important DVD that will help us both. He did not respond. I want to go by his home -- should I? Help.
Dear Saddest Person in the World,
My first piece of advice is this: Don’t ever tell this story to anyone else again, ever. It paints a picture of someone whose sanity, having hung by a ganglial thread for decades, has finally succumbed to the weight of self-annihilating behavior and begun its precipitous freefall into the gaping abyss of hopeless lunacy. And nobody wants that.
I don’t know which frightens me more--the parts of your letter I understood (“I decided to call and let the phone ring over and over”; “I want to go by his home”) or those shrouded in ominous enigma (“I left two bad messages”). For me, it really goes off the rails with the introduction of the mysterious “important DVD.” The mere thought of it inspires a mixture of curiosity and dread. Also, let’s not ignore that you thought the best person to address your problem was not a licensed psychiatrist, but Miss Manners. Newsflash, SPW: Manners are the least of your problems. Obsessive calling is not a lapse in etiquette; it’s a restraining order waiting to happen.
The bad news is, this fossil never wants to see you again. The good news is, he's clearly a tool and way too old to be acting like this, so it's probably for the best. And before you start another relationship, you should probably read a book on obsessive love and/or find a therapist. Therapists are awesome, SPW. They’re like advice bloggers, but with drugs and fully-loaded Volvos.
Dear Miss Manners:
Two months ago, I started a beautiful relationship with a 59-year-old guy. I am 44. We broke up with our current relationships based on the strong feelings we felt for each other.
After a month of feeling bad for his ex, my new man says he feels we should take a break, but after a few days, he wanted to see me. He hugs me for dear life when he does see me, but when we speak on the phone, he goes back to "let's take a break." I do not understand what's going on. He is talking with the ex, and I do believe him when he says there is no intimacy, they're establishing a better friendship. He was feeling a lot of guilt from their breakup.
The other day (Monday), he was to return my call, and I waited all night. Keep in mind he just lost a friend on Friday or Saturday. I decided to call and let the phone ring over and over. I left two bad messages, but I let it ring over and over.
Well, he finally called back to say this was the last time he'll talk to me. (He had said that to the ex when she visited me at the job, but now they're talking.) He told me I should've checked my e-mail. I was unaware that hours before, he sent me this message: "Please let it be for now. I ask for solitude at this time. I am okay, but I ask that you not call me. I need to be alone. Thanks."
I felt so bad. I would not have called like that. How do I make up? I sent a reply that I had wanted him to see this important DVD that will help us both. He did not respond. I want to go by his home -- should I? Help.
Dear Saddest Person in the World,
My first piece of advice is this: Don’t ever tell this story to anyone else again, ever. It paints a picture of someone whose sanity, having hung by a ganglial thread for decades, has finally succumbed to the weight of self-annihilating behavior and begun its precipitous freefall into the gaping abyss of hopeless lunacy. And nobody wants that.
I don’t know which frightens me more--the parts of your letter I understood (“I decided to call and let the phone ring over and over”; “I want to go by his home”) or those shrouded in ominous enigma (“I left two bad messages”). For me, it really goes off the rails with the introduction of the mysterious “important DVD.” The mere thought of it inspires a mixture of curiosity and dread. Also, let’s not ignore that you thought the best person to address your problem was not a licensed psychiatrist, but Miss Manners. Newsflash, SPW: Manners are the least of your problems. Obsessive calling is not a lapse in etiquette; it’s a restraining order waiting to happen.
The bad news is, this fossil never wants to see you again. The good news is, he's clearly a tool and way too old to be acting like this, so it's probably for the best. And before you start another relationship, you should probably read a book on obsessive love and/or find a therapist. Therapists are awesome, SPW. They’re like advice bloggers, but with drugs and fully-loaded Volvos.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Facebook Fridays: Everyone's a Winner
Dear Sir/Madam,
We are pleased to inform you that your e-mail address has won the Siemens Draw Promo.Therefore you have been approve for a lump sum payout (750,000.00 GBP)Seven Hundrend And fiffty Pounds. Please fill the form below for claims.
PAYMENT PROCESSING FORM
1.Full Name:
2.Full Address:
3.Status:
4.Occupation:
5.Phone Number:
6.Country:
Yours faithfully, Mrs. Atso Kerttula.
Dear Mrs. Atso Kerttula,
While at first I didn't read your letter as a counsel-seeking one, I now recognize it to be what we in the advice community call a "cry for help." You are lonely, Atso -- may I call you Atso? -- and have resorted to randomly emailing bloggers in the hopes of getting their addresses and phone numbers with which to round out your Outlook contact list.
It's not surprising. I'm sure Mr. Kerttula works long hours. Your colleagues at Siemens Draw are cliquish and unfriendly. Having the name "Atso" can't help, especially if you're on the zaftig side. And while trolling the Internet for new friends is all the rage, your particular approach isn't likely to pay off -- too arbitrary. I highly recommend Facebook, which is full of people looking for new friends and contacts -- they even say so in their profiles! (You'll notice mine does not.)
Best of luck!
We are pleased to inform you that your e-mail address has won the Siemens Draw Promo.Therefore you have been approve for a lump sum payout (750,000.00 GBP)Seven Hundrend And fiffty Pounds. Please fill the form below for claims.
PAYMENT PROCESSING FORM
1.Full Name:
2.Full Address:
3.Status:
4.Occupation:
5.Phone Number:
6.Country:
Yours faithfully, Mrs. Atso Kerttula.
Dear Mrs. Atso Kerttula,
While at first I didn't read your letter as a counsel-seeking one, I now recognize it to be what we in the advice community call a "cry for help." You are lonely, Atso -- may I call you Atso? -- and have resorted to randomly emailing bloggers in the hopes of getting their addresses and phone numbers with which to round out your Outlook contact list.
It's not surprising. I'm sure Mr. Kerttula works long hours. Your colleagues at Siemens Draw are cliquish and unfriendly. Having the name "Atso" can't help, especially if you're on the zaftig side. And while trolling the Internet for new friends is all the rage, your particular approach isn't likely to pay off -- too arbitrary. I highly recommend Facebook, which is full of people looking for new friends and contacts -- they even say so in their profiles! (You'll notice mine does not.)
Best of luck!
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