Stolen Saturdays: He's Just Not That Into Being Stalked By a Crazy Person

Welcome back to Stolen Saturdays, the feature where I scour other advice columns – the kind people actually write in to – and answer those questions better and more wisely than the "writers" of said columns. Like the hermit crab who makes a home in the shells built by others, or the cuckoo bird who lays her eggs in the nests of her neighbors, I’m relying on a certain symbiosis in the advice community. Is this ethical? Why don’t you ask the Ethicist and then I’ll answer it better than him.

Dear Miss Manners:
Two months ago, I started a beautiful relationship with a 59-year-old guy. I am 44. We broke up with our current relationships based on the strong feelings we felt for each other.

After a month of feeling bad for his ex, my new man says he feels we should take a break, but after a few days, he wanted to see me. He hugs me for dear life when he does see me, but when we speak on the phone, he goes back to "let's take a break." I do not understand what's going on. He is talking with the ex, and I do believe him when he says there is no intimacy, they're establishing a better friendship. He was feeling a lot of guilt from their breakup.

The other day (Monday), he was to return my call, and I waited all night. Keep in mind he just lost a friend on Friday or Saturday. I decided to call and let the phone ring over and over. I left two bad messages, but I let it ring over and over.

Well, he finally called back to say this was the last time he'll talk to me. (He had said that to the ex when she visited me at the job, but now they're talking.) He told me I should've checked my e-mail. I was unaware that hours before, he sent me this message: "Please let it be for now. I ask for solitude at this time. I am okay, but I ask that you not call me. I need to be alone. Thanks."
I felt so bad. I would not have called like that. How do I make up? I sent a reply that I had wanted him to see this important DVD that will help us both. He did not respond. I want to go by his home -- should I? Help.


Dear Saddest Person in the World,
My first piece of advice is this: Don’t ever tell this story to anyone else again, ever. It paints a picture of someone whose sanity, having hung by a ganglial thread for decades, has finally succumbed to the weight of self-annihilating behavior and begun its precipitous freefall into the gaping abyss of hopeless lunacy. And nobody wants that.

I don’t know which frightens me more--the parts of your letter I understood (“I decided to call and let the phone ring over and over”; “I want to go by his home”) or those shrouded in ominous enigma (“I left two bad messages”). For me, it really goes off the rails with the introduction of the mysterious “important DVD.” The mere thought of it inspires a mixture of curiosity and dread. Also, let’s not ignore that you thought the best person to address your problem was not a licensed psychiatrist, but Miss Manners. Newsflash, SPW: Manners are the least of your problems. Obsessive calling is not a lapse in etiquette; it’s a restraining order waiting to happen.

The bad news is, this fossil never wants to see you again. The good news is, he's clearly a tool and way too old to be acting like this, so it's probably for the best. And before you start another relationship, you should probably read a book on obsessive love and/or find a therapist. Therapists are awesome, SPW. They’re like advice bloggers, but with drugs and fully-loaded Volvos.