Clog Dancer

Dear Dr. Eve,
I LOVE that show you mentioned in your last post. It's my favorite, right up there with Lost, Top Chef (love FABIO! Carla's great, too), and ANY show where Susan Boyle is appearing (am I right?!).

Anyway, my issue today is with a certain sweater-pants wearing coworker. The reason I'm writing is not the sweater pants, as you might surmise. Rather, the other day, over IM, she made me swear never to tell anyone that she gets a real thrill out of clogging toilets in our bathroom (not with #1, mind you). She said she'll never come clean about it, unlike other honest, innocent, kindred souls. Also, sometimes she leaves scuff marks on the lid with her shoes - just for a giggle.

I don't know what to do. I saw some of her handiwork today and I'm in a really awkward place. My other coworkers are so pure and innocent - this would ruin them.
You're the only one who can save us.

Dear Patient,
Wow! You like ALL THE SAME SHOWS I like! That makes me like you more! Talking to you is like being enfolded in the warm embrace of Calgon while on opiates! You’re my best frie–- hey, wait a minute. No one who really loved I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant would refer to it as “that show you mentioned in your last post”! What the -- ?

But let’s get down to the real issues: the apparently rampant coworker abuse sweeping the nation. If the pages of my blog are to be believed, workplaces are becoming like Kiefer Sutherland farms on steroids! I smell a Marie Claire story. Anyway, this one’s a real toughie. Your friend swore you to secrecy about her unsavory practices, and you rightly assume that your other colleagues should be spared this unpleasant knowledge anyway. Which leaves you to shoulder the burden of this rather vile intelligence in solitude. I can only say that silently carrying around a terrible secret can be highly ennobling. Consider that you are in the company of such luminaries as Deep Throat, Clark Kent, the Yakuza, and various grandmothers who staunchly and bravely refuse to give up their recipes for beloved casseroles and the like.

My advice: Kill said colleague with kindness. Do nothing to antagonize her and everything to get into her good graces. You seem to know a lot about TV; perhaps you and she share an interest there. She will doubtless be thrilled to hear you speak with expertise on matters such as Hurley’s unsettling weight gain or Fabio’s bromance with the (far more delightful) Stefan.

Best of luck!